In therapy yesterday, I talked about how I had finally written here about my relationship with my brother. I admitted that it felt good to get it out, but I didn't really share many personal feelings. She wants me to write another entry as if I was writing a letter to my brother about our sexual relationship. I don't think I'm ready to write that just yet. We spent almost the whole session talking about my brother. Funny that I started seeing her because of gender identity issues, and now we go off on these tangents.
On that subject, I told her at the end of the session that we are making the final plans for our commitment ceremony and I have decided that at the ceremony I will identify strictly as male. She responded by commenting that this would be my chance to show explain to family and friends what it means to be genderqueer, and she was surprised that I wasn't choosing to do so.
I told her that I was feeling for comfortable with the idea of being male and being the husband at the ceremony. She then asked me a question that she has frequently asked me over the course of our sessions together. The question is how I would describe my current gender identity in terms of a percentage of masculinity and femininity. Usually my answer is something around 60% male and 40% female.
I didn't answer her right away and she asked if I wanted to think about it, but I shook my head. I knew the answer, I just didn't want to say it. After a bit of silence, I said, "99.9% male." She nodded, and our session was pretty much over. She said she wanted to start the next session with this topic and see if that number has changed.
I want to be genderqueer. It's a concept that really appeals to me. I feel comfortable with having a fluid gender identity. So why do I feel so much like a man lately?
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