Family wounds. in Musings

Nathan is very close to his brother and cousins. In fact he is in the other room playing a game virtually with them right now. I reacted poorly to his announcement that he was hanging out with them (virtually) again this week. And as I sat in the bath analyzing why that was, I came to a further realization that it just fucking sucks to have a family I no longer enjoy being with.

Telling my family I was no longer Christian was necessary for me at the time. I felt like I was lying any time my parents asked if we had visited any churches or when they talked about God with our kids. But since then it has put a (maybe) permanent wound in our relationship. A wound that was only further opened up when the pandemic happened and I realized just how different we land morally as well.

I’m not a Christian or a Republican anymore. And I probably never will be. I’m not asking my parents or brother to be non religious or a democrat. Just to accept me and my family for who we are. But that seems to be a non starter. I reached out to my brother over and over and every time it was only a fight from him when all I was asking for was peace.

Today I wanted to go for a walk at the park. Nathan didn’t want to and so I immediately thought of asking my mom to join me. But then I realized it was Sunday. She was busy with church stuff. Nothing wrong with that. Just a further reminder of how different our lives are. As I walked alone I remembered the last time my mom and I got together at the park we talked about religious stuff. We came to an impasse yet again.

There’s no easy solution here. Maybe the open wound will eventually become a scar. A reminder of the pain but not as fresh as it still is now. Wounds require healing though. And while I’m doing as much as I feel like I can when it comes to my own personal healing, I can only do so much when it comes to my relationship with my family.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier to just cut them off a year and a half ago. Because as it is now I still see them sometimes and every time the scab that was started to heal gets picked off and I’m bleeding again.

I know it’s no ones fault. My family is operating under the very evangelical rules they see the world through. And I’m sure they hurt too since they think I’m not going to join them for the eternal bliss that they are set up for since they all believe in Jesus or whatever. I’m sensitive to their plight since I was once there as well but it doesn’t make my pain any less real.

As I live with this very real pain I still wouldn’t change it. Leaving Christianity was the absolute best decision I could have made for myself. I feel free. And more myself than I ever have. I have come to a deeper knowing of myself and if that means I no longer get to know my family than that sucks but I think I’ll be okay.