I appreciate you fitting me in on such short notice - but I didn’t know where else to go.
My mind is heavy today. I’m just… tired.
I don’t even know where to start, except by saying that I’m about to sound extremely selfish. I know, it’s something I’m working on… Being okay with being vulnerable. Not seeing it as “weak.”
Everyone in my life seems to confirm my disgust with my human side. So used to me being the strong one, the funny one, the reliable one. They can’t stand me when I have nothing left to give. Tell them you’re sad and watch them all get quiet and leave you alone to sort out the pain.
You see why I needed to come here?
I’m starting to feel the human aspect of me is unlovable. As long as I can handle the world, and never need help, never say, “I can’t right now.” I’m everyone’s favorite person.
It’s so lonely though.
and I’m tired
Logically I know I’m not unlovable. It’s the PTSD from abusive partners right? If it only were so simple to write off my damage on other people when it’s such an ingrained part of who I am now. I kind of hate my damaged pieces too.
They never quite fit back together, and I’m missing more than I have left at this point.
I’ve held the world on my shoulders for so long now, that it’s made imprints and I can’t seem to put it down. Though from time to time everything I don’t have time to feel occasionally escapes and warms my cheeks. Today is one of those days. I’ve hit my wall.
Unraveling.
I’m tired of doing it all. All the time. Super-parent, super-friend, super-employee. My cape is ripped and I’ve run out of thread to fix it. I don’t even care to look to see if I have anymore lying around.
I know this cycle is unhealthy. Hold it all together. Hold my children together. Hold work together. Hold my friends together. Advice giver, therapist, spirit lifter. Until I feel myself getting worn… then you know, destructive behaviors. Smoke a cigarette, or two, maybe 10. Drink it away when I’m finally alone at night. Staring off into some vast space I wish I could crawl into - trying to quiet the demons.
We don’t have time for this, you know. Everyone needs me at my best.
By morning I’m ready to tackle the world again. Rinse repeat until I hit this point - and I can always tell it’s coming because I can’t force a smile. I seek solace. I desire jumping in my car and just driving towards a place I’m not sure exists.
A quiet place. A safe place. A place where I can exist, without fixing anyone else. I’m a fixer though - so even thinking about abandoning those who rely on me fills me to the brim with guilt. We don’t even really need to mention that the luxury of just leaving doesn’t exist. It all must be meticulously planned. That’s even exhausting.
No one knows what to do when I’m sad. - shit, I don’t even know what to do when I’m sad.
Break down for 5 minutes over a song that hits just the right note in my soul to release pent up emotion. Hear a song that speaks to how tired I am. Dry my face, and back at it like it never even happened.
Single parenting am I right?
Today I’m not drowning it away. I’m trying to embrace it. It’s normal right? I get to feel tired. I get to feel sad. I get to feel done with being superhuman right?
So why do I feel guilty?
Why am I so damn broken?!
How do you fix something that is out of your control? I’m all my children have, I’m all -I- have. I don’t have help. The work, the responsibility, the bills, the stress it just continues to pile up and I can’t just take a day to say ‘nope not doing it.’
But my soul cries for it. Alone. Existing. Real time to recharge my social, emotional, and physical batteries.
I know I’m rambling. - I knew I needed to come here again. Take some of this darkness out and let the universe have it.
These words circle in my mind with no place to go - sometimes just getting here to release them seems exhausting. I’m glad I did though.
I don’t dare say I feel better yet - But just saying some of this has at least stopped the endless stream of tears that I couldn’t seem to turn off.
Thank you for listening.
Until next time.
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