So I lay in bed, anxiety ridden at the best of times, but tonight I can not stop thinking. I feel so useless sometimes, I actually shock myself.
I just feel so lonely. You really underestimate it when they say how lonely motherhood is but wow it is a shocker once it is here, isn’t it?
Many of my friends do not have kids, nor are they interested in spending the day with one. My friends that have children/married live far away or are too busy with their life’s for us to even stick to plans. Nothing ever goes right on plan with a toddler about!
Then there’s my husband. We have had our difficulties over the years, and the minute I think we are past it something new crops up. We are going through a difficult time now, progressively getting worse over the last few months but many many issues contribute to that. I just feel like he doesn’t love me. He may love me, love for me being our baby’s mother, loves me because we’ve always been good friends but I’m struggling to come to concept of that he may not be IN love with me anymore. We always say that once this stressful part of our life’s our done it will get better, but I’m terrified that that part of our life will start and he will realise I’m not the same person he was in love with when we met. I fear he is going to resent (already does, I’m sure of it), maybe I’m not always the best I can be, I’m a ball of anxious energy, I cry too much, I hold it all in, and let it all out in a bundle of flames when there’s no reason too. I also have my reasons to also feel like I’m not loved enough. He certainly can be a sweetheart, but some days I feel like I’m in the way. All of these thoughts even though I know he works to a silly amount, he’s exhausted… I feel selfish to then make me being lonely his problem because he works and gives us the most incredible life.
He’s a brilliant daddy, our child adores him to the moon and back. Watching them together makes my heart thump so hard and makes me so so happy, I could have another 10 babies if it meant watching them bond like that.
Here’s to hoping that tomorrow is brighter, and we can find new adventures to dream about.
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