https://mystuff.bublup.com/ui/landing_page?item_id=001-i-9d24cfb7-a9f0-4c56-a851-32c382841127
How did it escalate to this? Part of me wants to end this chapter of my life and never be hurt again. The other part still has questions. Who was over at his place at 11 p.m.? Why did she take her watch off? Is this the same girl he had a golf date with? What happened to her name starts with a J and she was in dentistry. As if he can forget a name even if he underwent shock therapy. I see all the red flags now. Him asking to pick me up to go to the bakery. Asking me to come over after only meeting once. Showering when I am steps away on his couch. Didn’t think the suburu was to pick up girls. Or the second floor is a bachelors pad. But how could I have? What do I know about fuckboys and their ways? He didn’t look the part so I was fooled thoroughly. He asked to kiss me the second time we met. He isn’t innocent or shy with women. He was after pussy, not a wife. I guess I did this to myself. I fell in love with him and forgot that he was on a dating app swiping right. He’s still the same guy from high school trying to seem cool to his friends by bragging about a date. He still cares what others think of him, it isn’t something he has overcome. Being off the radar is just that…he never faced anyone. He never held his head high and said this is the real me. According to him, he doesn’t owe them an explanation, but really it’s about him being uncomfortable in his skin. He can only manage pleasing one person at a time.
Was he ever in love with me? Regardless of his initial intention? I don’t know. He was infatuated.
I saw a picture of him a few years ago on the beach with just shorts on. There’s a blonde girl with her hand on his bare back, and he had his arm around her. My mind went to his lake trips here in Michigan. You think he kept his shirt on when everyone in the video was in either shorts or bikinis? This is again me being naive. I just didn’t want to believe he’s that guy. The one who has a nice body so he shows it off. But then he wasn’t raised to think it’s shameful. And here I am blistering with jealousy. I didn’t know he was fit when I fell in love with him. He could have been pudgy and burned. I would have loved him just the same. All I saw was his eyes. They told me I was safe. I loved without hesitation. God it made me feel younger. Pity it did not last. I ask myself if I could have dealt with the truth or if it would have just made him smaller in my eyes. I think I could have worked through it with his help. He moved out when he was 17. He was taught having girls over is normal and pursuing them is what boys do. Who is he to challenge any of this narrative? He already came into the game looking different. One of his best friends has the same name but he’s blonde and with a different girl every month. So he tried his best. He played football, got a girlfriend, went to house parties, tried to get everyone to like him by being a yes man and drinking himself sick. He wanted to belong. Loneliness is a hell of a driver. He wanted to be the same level of happiness they exuded. I wish he would have relayed all this to me and showed me the world through his eyes. There is no good and bad. It happened, it’s over. I told him before that if he doesn’t tell me, it’s his fault and if I can’t deal with it, it’s my fault. I feel like he could have changed my mind from seeing him as his past self. Maybe in a year or 5 years. But I won’t be holding my breath. For all I know he’ll meet a “cutie” and have babies and name them Lana and Henry.
I am so incredibly tired from this year. My ribs squeeze my stomach every single day from anxiety. And I know this to be part of love. I resolved to end things last night because he wasn’t feeling me and this hurt more than anything he did. After all I said, he was really under the impression that I will give him a haircut and go to sleep. I felt like my pride took a stabbing. And of course I was sitting on those exchanges I printed out. I found them on his birthday. I tried to keep it bottled up but I became increasingly irritable. So I started talking down to him. The following day is our 200 days. Wouldn’t look at him during dinner. Gave him a hard time for not getting me gifts, even though I can care less. The following day I was out. I was still going to be quiet because his mom was coming the following day (today.) But he made me feel insignificant. I was chasing him. I was on coals and he was chilling. It made me feel restless and ashamed. I wanted to end things, but not have him be unscathed. I couldn’t get to him emotionally, so I took his hair. I wanted him to remember me. He thinks he can go to the next one with a ponytail, he thought wrong. That ponytail is mine. It did not make me feel better. I felt sick to my stomach when he left and I couldn’t sleep for a long time. His love has me do impulsive things in the past. The remorse threatens to overwhelm me so I push it to the back of my mind.
Leaving him did not stop the pain. I am hurting as I type this. He became family to me. My parents called him their son. I asked them to block him the day I left 2 weeks ago. I didn’t want them sending him birthday wishes and asking him what souvenir he wanted. It’s bad enough I’m being humiliated without my parents showering him with affection.
I’m tired. I hope the sun sets soon and my heart gets lighter with the passing days.
This is sunrise this morning
https://mystuff.bublup.com/ui/landing_page?item_id=001-i-360405f5-93a4-4707-abe2-64a53613f6c2
This is my dinner. Tomato based stew with beans and potatoes.
https://mystuff.bublup.com/ui/landing_page?item_id=001-i-2a73d1d0-e0c8-466c-8f57-d18a40cb1a8b
I am proud of myself for cooking and nourishing my body. I want to go for a bike ride this weekend down Hines drive since I fixed my bike. I hope I will be ok.
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