I just awoke from such a surprising and beautiful dream. I was at a weekend workshop–a Catholic weekend workshop–and there were countless people there from the Catholic Campus Ministry at JMU. Matt Morrel, Lesley, Dante, Maureen, Nhat, Tim, Father John! The dream began somewhere in the middle of the workshop, on a break between talks. I was greeting various people, and as I said hello and embraced each person, they looked at me with eyes of love and remembering. It felt so familiar, so warm, so like coming home to myself. I felt the subtle kind of quiet joy that comes from knowing you are being known, seen, and accepted. That nothing matters between you and another person about the ways you may be different, because there is a mutual deep understanding that through love, the two of you are actually much more the same.
For unclear reasons–though with some sense in my gut that it had to do with that feeling of being known–I had been asked at the last minute to give a talk. I don’t know what it was even supposed to be about in terms of content, but I said yes. I was given a book with some prompts in it, but there was absolutely no time to prepare–I had to just give the prompts a once over while I was sitting listening to another talk, and I was to speak after. I was asked many times if it would be alright because the organizer knew that it was a bit of an unfair ask. And here’s the thing, I was still exactly me as I am now. The Buddhist, semi-pagan, polyamorous queer person, who had long since left the church. I was utterly calm, unphased, and confident that I could do it. The organizer even said they had heard I was practicing some pagan traditions now, and would I still be able to give a talk in this setting about god? I said, “absolutely, the divine is in everything.” There was no feeling of self-righteousness, no sense of wanting to prove anything, no sense of wanting to correct or step out, or any energy of any kind coming from the judgment loop. As I sat in the crowd preparing my heart and mind to speak, I only felt love. I felt an opportunity to share my truth, with no attachment at all to convincing anyone of anything or changing any minds in any way. It was just a platform to speak about love. I woke up just as the previous speaker was ending their talk, poised to go up to the podium to speak.
I woke feeling so settled, so warm, so nostalgic and grateful, and so curious. why did this loving apparition come to me last night? What was sticking with me so powerfully on waking was the people and sense of community which came to visit me in this dream. Dear friends of my past who I have not thought of or spoken to (with the exception of Tim) for more than a decade. But don’t misunderstand: there was no grief, no regret, no missing of them in the way I once did for many years after I graduated. It was completely different than that. It was like a visitation of ancestors, reminding me of a very significant part of my path. A part of my journey that was so heart-alive and nurturing, which had room for questions and doubt, room for deep friendship and healing of spiritual and emotional wounds, room for laughter and prayer, for tears and heartbreak–it was my first true experience of sangha. At CCM, I had my first touches of the deep love and true acceptance which we are all capable of in community. Where I first felt what it means to truly and deeply belong.
Even though I didn’t have the chance to actually speak to the crowd before the dream dissolved, thinking back on that community, I know my words would have been welcome, whatever they were. I believe I would have been heard, held, and honored for the experiences I have had and as the person I am, even if what I had to say prodded people in ways that made them uncomfortable. And who knows, maybe that belief is my nostalgia for a beautiful and nurturing time in my life, and maybe it would have not gone in the way I imagine. But I do know that at this moment, I feel warm, grateful, connected, and heartstruck. It prompted me to do a tour of my life and the communities I have been a part of at different times since then, up to now. It made me think of who my Sangha is now. David, Sophia, Amanda, Janneli, Rick, Brenda, John, Chris, Elizabeth, Gennie, Katie, Eli, Charles, and still others. No one really has left this sangha that helped me become who I am; that is still helping me become. It just becomes wider, deeper, more layered, and diverse. It becomes more full of varied experiences and voices, cultures, and dreams. It becomes more awake. More alive to the possibilities that have always been here, but which become more possible with more knowing of the infinite interdependent depths of what I once had a much more limited view of but still had some contact with–I used to call it god, then “the divine,” more recently, “the one consciousness,” and at this moment no words seem appropriate or fitting. It has been through these beautiful experiences of love and community that I have most come to know this life energy that animates everything with love, possibility, impermanence, and utter complete interbeing.
Thank you for visiting me, my dear friends.
Loading comments...