5/3/2021 in I write

Don’t read this. 😂

I think the reason I lost my authenticity is because
- I’m naturally obedient and so would go along with what family says and always listened to mom, plus
- High emphasis on higher education from family so I only knew about this being the “right” thing to do back then
- Didn’t expose myself to other ways of life because like never spoke to other kinds of people or explored other things
- I’m gullible so I get easily influenced by external factors and I grew up surrounded around highly educated people
- Being in school for so long plus being influenceable (I.e. a lot of school is “living up to standards”)

In the past five years, when I started to learn and know about other things (ex other careers, porn/sex, arts stuff, music/dance) I secretly started wanting to rebel. My mind became more “liberal”/rebellious. I’d still listen because I’m like that naturally but I’m like wow why didn’t I explore this or that before lol. I formed some different views from my parents as a result.

I’ve got past the hard part into the career, so no I wouldn’t go do something else. I’ve made it this far. And this career gives me satisfaction so I wouldn’t complain :) plus I have the personality for it

Now that I’m out of the “living up to standards” (I.e. succeeding in education for so many years) (this may very likely contributed to me losing my authenticity) - to think back on it, holy damn.

I put a mask on and “closed up” because I “learned” that’s the only way to get people to think of me as a “good” “nice” person. If I didn’t “behave” and went back to how I was when super young, I wonder who would respect me lol. When really young - I’d say whatever comes to my mouth and act however it came instinctively - was blunt or bluntly honest and didn’t think how I’d make the other person feel before saying/doing it - like if someone’s floor was dirty, I’d walk on my tippy toes and look at the floor. Or if someone was praising me on how I look, I’d make a “are you crazy” face or I’d hide away - I didn’t feel comfortable when others gave me public attention like that. Or I’d stand with my tummy protruding out (I was overweight way back then but regardless that’s how I used to stand 😂). Or if we (fam) went to someone’s house for dinner and I was hungry, I would either ask when dinner will be ready or I’d get low-key restless. During one cruise when I was like 11 yo me and another boy talked/played almost everyday and I formed a crush on him but managed to hide it and when it was time to leave he said bye to me and was going to hug/kiss me and then I thought he was being crazy in public and so I got protective/scared/shy so I said “you’re stupid” and walked away - later on I felt really bad about. With all these things, mom got mad at me and told me how to be appropriate, polite, kind to others.

Point being, I became self-conscious over time. The young child instinctive tendencies tend to come out before/during period time. Or if I’m very tired.

It helps me to write about this because I’m trying to connect back to my original way of being.

Why I don’t post all this stuff publicly. - Is it me not being authentic? Or I don’t have the guts to? (I mean for safety purposes I’m still in career training so I can’t let them see this haha). Or is it simply preferring to keep it to myself?

Last updated May 03, 2021