Working and thinking in Random Thoughts

Funny what I’ll get up to on a Saturday.

I slept late (cause I stayed up past 3:30 in the morning), and decided I needed a big breakfast. Usual slow morning routine. Eat, watch YouTube, just chill. As I was getting ready to do… well… whatever, I was scanning Facecrook, and saw a post from KT that made do a double take.

I’ve known her for years. She’s dated two of my friends, been married, had a kid, divorced, engaged to someone new, and recently had another kid. I’ve always thought she was attractive (even before she flashed me. Very nice, IMO), but never thought of her as someone I would date, primarily because I have a thing about knowing too much about a potential girlfriend’s history. Putting a face on their past, etc. I know. I’m weird.

But what I saw today, it made me think more about a relationship with her than I ever have. I don’t know why. I don’t know what I’m seeing in her now that is changing my mind, but, of course, I got annoyed with my own mind, and decided I didn’t want to be home. So I got my truck keys, and headed out of the city to the HomeDepot I actually like. I decided I was going to do something I’ve been threatening to do. Here’s more indication of how messed up my motivation/depression crap is. While I can barely muster the motivation to do anything at home, I had no issue getting something done at the office.

We’ve had both the outside security lights in a bad way the whole time I’ve been there. One has been stone dead for probably 4 years, the other has run 24/7/365 for about 7 years, sucking down about 150 watts. Given I use all LED’s at home, I don’t even want to think what that adds up to cost wise. For a few years now, I’ve said I would replace them, asked multiple times to be sure I have permission to do so, but never really gotten around to getting up the ladder and doing it. Until today.

I got two new pipe mount LED flood lights, and some stuff for another project I have an idea for. Came back into town, dropped them off at the office, then went home, parked the truck and grabbed the work van, and headed back to the office. I figured since I didn’t want to wear my logo’d work clothes, I need to have the logo’d work vehicle there, so that people don’t think some rando is ripping light fixtures down. Okay, that and I figured it would be easier to have my tools there, and my extension ladder, in case the scissor lift wanted to be a pill - which… yeah.

I parked up by the first light to replace, went around to the back lot and grabbed the scissor lift, and drove it around and into position, and loaded it with the tools and bits that I needed. But, of course, something’s gotta go wrong. The lift wouldn’t go above half way up before the controller freaked out and started screaming. I thought maybe I’d parked a little out of level but after repositioning a few times, and still getting the alarm, I just said “f!k it”, backed it up, and got my extension ladder. The way that light hangs off the building, the only way I could work on it was to climb the ladder and turn around. Well… I’ve done worse.

Considering I’ve never replaced a pipe mount fixture, it took me a little longer than I would have liked it to. I didn’t drop anything, thankfully. The other pain in the ass of this, is our breaker panel is not accurately labelled, and my boss still has my circuit finder. So it was flip a breaker, run outside, “Is it lit? Yep.” run back inside, change to the next one, run outside, and so on. The ballast on the old light was so bad, you could hear it buzzing from quite a ways off, so I got a little break. My ear tuned into the buzz, so I didn’t have to go all the way to the light each time. Finally found the breaker that controlled the light, labelled it, then went out and got to it.

Here’s a thought, probably not a good idea to run 2 black wires to a light fixture. Imagine my surprise to find that. Either I got lucky when I wired the new LED fixture in (LED’s, unlike old school light bulbs, want their power supplied the right way round.), or the new fixtures aren’t polarity sensitive. Either way, when I cut power back on and it lit up, I was happy.

The second light when much faster. I was going to use the lift, but when I saw I couldn’t get a real good position with it, I just took it to the back lot, plugged in its charger, and locked it up. Oh, and it has a hydraulic leak. I’ll have to tell S about that on Monday. Just to clarify, I have two different S’s. One I work with, and one I don’t. I probably won’t think to clarify that, so if you’re confused which S I’m talking about, leave a note and remind me I’m confusing readers. LOL.

The second light was in a much better position, I could stand on my ladder while facing the light, and it was near enough the roof that I had a place to set things down. But, once again, I had to play find the breaker, which considering this one was completely crapped out, meant go in the office, flip a breaker, go back up the ladder, use my non-contact voltage sensor, and if it beeped, it was back down the ladder, and into the office to try again. Joys of working on an old commercial building that’s been re-purposed and re-configured multiple times, the breaker panel wasn’t always labelled to reflect the changes. As I said, that light went much faster.

I finished up, and came home, and changed into my sweats. I’m doing that way too often. But I wanted to get my thoughts together, to write this. As I said, I always found KT attractive, but never someone I would date, much less someone I would consider marrying. Yeah, that’s changed. This scenario popped into my head of a conversation between she and I after we’d been married and expecting. Not something I ever expected to consider about her. She’s changed in appearance, as well. I can’t pinpoint it, but she looks drastically different in the last year or so, compared to the rest of the years I’ve known her. I just don’t know what about her is drastically different.

I dunno what it is. Maybe being alone so long is making me consider different options? Maybe I do need to be considering more than I would normally consider. I know I need to do something about not being alone so long. I will say, I’m getting tired of seeing all the memes (or whatever they’re called) about how sex helps with depression and energy, etc. I know that. I’ve had sex before. Plenty of times. I know what the damned benefits of sex are. I don’t need to be reminded about it continuously. Especially when I don’t have even a possible potential “someone”. And to clarify this again, as I know I’ll get private notes about it like before, I can’t do hookups, or one night stands, whatever. I don’t work that way. I can’t keep my heart out of sex. It just doesn’t work. That and I have to at least somewhat know who it is I’m going to take to bed, as it MUST be someone I trust a fair bit. That was the only reason I would consider letting things happen with S (the one I don’t work with.). But as I’ve considered that possibility a couple of times, I always get hit with our history, and what’s happened when we tried to have more than a physical relationship. Apparently that stung worse than I realized it did.

I admit it. I’m a mess. I know. Being in this stupid state is not helping, and between the current housing market (again, joys of being a homeowner), and fighting with my stupid mind, moving just seems like an insurmountable task at this point, which is just making me feel even worse. I want out of here. I want to go home. Soon. I want my friends back. They’re the closest I have to family anymore. Speaking of family, I think I’ve settled on what I want to change my name to. Yes, this is something that I’ve rattled around in my head for too many years, but I think I’m getting closer to actually acting on it, instead of just talking about it. Anyway. I’m also missing J. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m getting worried. Normally, if I text her, I hear from her in a day or so, but it’s been way too long with no reply. Calling her directly is always a last resort, as I don’t want to bother her, but if I don’t hear something from her very soon, at least just “I’m still here”, I’m gonna have to make that call. I just hope she’s okay.

This post has been all over the place. It’s almost as bad as my nattering to myself. I know it all seems like one big pointless ramble, but posting things here does seem to help. That, and it’s kinda entertaining to go back and re-read the dreams I’ve remembered enough to write out. Although I’ve had BC and ZG on my mind too often this week. Anyway. I think I’m going to put on a movie and get my laundry done.

Last updated April 10, 2021