Sometimes I feel so over it with just everybody that I want to go in a hole and hide. I feel like everybody is just picking little pieces off of me until there is going to be nothing left or it's all going to be painful little bruises from all the pick-pick-picking.
I always feel like I'm in the middle of everything even though I didn't do anything to cause anything except to just exist. And it feels like people bristle with a bit of resentment because I'm not on their "side." Reason being because I can see both sides of the issue. Sometimes nobody is really wrong, everybody just has their own point. And, to be honest, my husband is the worst about being terrible when I don't align with him. And I really wouldn't mind that so much except he gets sarcastic and nasty.
I guess he and I are just in a "valley time."
That happens once in awhile. It's not cracks in the marriage, divorce time or anything like that. We've been married almost thirty years and I'd say it was more than successful. But we have what I call "valley times." It just can't all be mountain times. And right now it's dull valley. It's just tough when he's so difficult with knowing it all and being so loud about knowing it all and so sort of mean about knowing it all.
Yesterday I plugged my iphone in to charge it before going to do the laundry. He picked it up and was "messing with it" for a moment and I said, "oh, you're not turning that battery app on, are you? That always makes it take longer to charge."
Then he says, "No, it doesn't."
Of course I respond, "Yes, it does."
And he challenges, "Prove it!"
I sat there stunned for a moment. I guess I should have just let it go but I was speechless then angry and said, "Why should the burden of proof be on me? Why don't you prove that it doesn't?"
And he tells me that I should have to prove it because I brought it up. That, of course doesn't make any sense to me but he argues it so loudly and impassionately and as if I am out of my mind for suggesting anything differently. Then he says that I have to prove that an app would run any differently than it says it will.
And he literally pounds me with these words until I just get so well... almost like enraged at him that I finally say, "just turn off the app!!" and I'm in tears and almost yelling and he looks at me, then, like I'm a crazy hysterical woman. He backs off, sort of raising his hands. "Wow... apparently there's some animosity that I am not aware of. Okay.. I'll turn it off..." He turns it off. Then he's all dramatic. "I'll leave the room. Let me just get some coffee if that doesn't bother you too much." And makes a great dramatic show of nearly tiptoeing to get his coffee then tiptoeing out of the room.
And he'd never get it... if I tried to explain it to him... he'd just never get it. To make matters worse... if I tried to explain it to him he'd probably get mad at me to for being upset with him.
And I hate hate hate to sit here complaining about him because he IS a good man. He's good to me and really wants to be a good husband but he seems to be totally incapable of understanding stuff like this. And it wouldn't be so bad except that it's getting so much worse with old age. In his forties he sort of peaked I think with his flexibility of understanding the finer, more sensitive points of emotions. Now it's going more and more down hill - it seems at least.
And maybe I've peaked with being tough... maybe it's going down hill and I'm just more and more easily broken. Maybe I throw in the towel more and more easily and just don't want to bother getting into one of those long drawn out battle-discussions with him over how what he's said or done has really affected me even though it SEEMS so trivial.
Maybe if I DO just keep coming in here and "venting" it will help to just get by -- or will it just make it all fester. I don't know. I try to get over each thing and that has worked pretty well in the past but, right now, it seems like I get over something and he womps one on me again so fast that I've barely gotten over the last thing. They're little things but our lives are all made up of little things and the little things stack up on top of each other to become big things if you're not careful.
But maybe that won't happen. We'll see.
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