I've been anxious about school ending for weeks now. Not any good kind of anxious. I met someone about a month ago. I wasn't planning on anything happening. I wasn't looking for anything. But it happened, and we've been seeing each other for a while now. I've been worried that my sporadic twice a week encounters with him would be not enough, but he's fine with it. But then I've been worrying about summer. I'm graduating. This is it. The end. But I still plan to go down to Tampa.
Only now, my parents aren't seeing it that way. At least, my mother isn't. And I know my father is going to get involved. I know it's coming. I know he's going to pick me apart soon. About not having a "real" job in the "real" world. That I've done nothing all these years, and now I want to dick about by continuing to go down there. But my life is down there. I can't just stop my life. I can't be stuck in this fucking house for most of my time, only to leave to go to my miserable fucking job. I can't. I know he's going to pick me apart though. He knows where to poke the stick. And even if I prepare myself, it'll still hurt, and I'll be beaten by his words.
Nothing's ever good enough. My happiness is not an option. I have a life, but it doesn't seem to be worth the time to them. I have built up so much in Tampa. I cannot leave it behind. Maybe I'm asking too much to continue to go down there. But I cannot be stuck in this fucking house 24/7. Slitting my wrists seems like a more productive activity. God forbid I tell them I'm seeing a guy.
I'm fucked no matter what. They make big deals out of nothing. Nothing. I could tell them I have an essay due in a week, and he'll make a mountain out of why I never did it sooner. Then he'll go into detail lecturing me about why I don't have a job and why I'm not as successful as he was when he was my age. He'll rant and rant. There'll never be a time when I can have a "conversation" with him. And she'll freak out and worry, and nothing will get done. Then they wonder why I never tell them anything. I try to, but I can't. I can't go through the spectacle they always put on. It's emotionally and physically draining. I feel so tired right now.
I've been trying hard these past few months to feel content with my life. And it's worked out so far. Now I have to worry about this shit. That I'm "not going anywhere".
I'm trying to get away, yet I've stayed so long for my mom. I know what she goes through, and I've stayed because I know what he's like. I know she needs some kind of stability. Yet, I feel like I'm betraying her by wanting to leave. I told her tonight that I'm tired to being here. That it makes me miserable. And she jumped to my not "being appreciative of anything", but I am, and I told her that. I told her I'm just tired of all the shit I've got to deal with. And she gave me that look like I betrayed her. She wanted to cry. And then she left.
I'm going to have a fun conversation in the car tomorrow. Maybe I'll just tell her everything and get it over with. Well, over for now. I know the storm is coming. I know I'm going to get picked apart. I don't know how I'm going to cope. I haven't cut in a year and a half. I probably will soon.
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