The B word ! in Her mind

Hi, this is me, a random woman, young at age but old at soul. My cloud got really heavy so I joined this to write what’s on my mind because I actually don’t have anyone to talk to. People who really know me fair me and always make me feel that it is difficult having me around. I am a loner and sometimes I feel that I am the most sociable person on earth but in fact : I am bipolar!
Dealing with the disorder is not an easy task. Can you imagine what is like to feel nothing and everything at the same time ? It’s the altitude difference that hurts the most, jumping off the cliff of joy into the dark waters of depression, and the higher you climb, the harder you fall !
It is either you over feel or you don’t feel at all ! It is a bit harder to control the mania (the high mood or the up) because you become braver and more confident, you are moving mountains on your own, colors are intense, music rhymes better, pressured speech and impulsiveness, you are full of ideas, moving on from one to another in seconds. Your mind goes faster than your body, you can go on without rest for days and then fall asleep for minutes thinking it was hours, completely lose track of time. You feel like a goddess, everything is beautiful and you become fun to be around and you are the beloved one but you really don’t appreciate it because you know it’s conditional and when you’ll hit rock bottom, where the waters are pitch black, none of them will be there. You enjoy the up but you are aware that there will be a price to pay later. People who knows you well are terrified that your next angry out burst might be right around the corner, a bomb that could go off at any second.
You keep pushing others away, because it is a fun game to see how far you can bend them until they break : “Let’s lose control. I don’t care if you are hurt or what will happen to me. I’m the queen of the world, and I need no one.”
Distractions, drugs, alcohol, sex, dance, jokes.. It’s all about pleasure. You spin fast and faster until someone turns the lights off !
Can you imagine what is like to lose interest in everything you ever wanted to do ? Everything you wanted to be ? Your “friends” (the ones who said that you are fun to be around, if only they knew it was the up), your studies, your job, your motivations, your hobbies… They all keep disappearing one by one, as though someone is crossing them off the list until there is nothing left; nothing apart from self hate, low self esteem and all the guilt and shame for what you did when you were high on mania.
When I’m happy, I’m way too happy. When I’m sad, I’m way too sad. There is no middle ground.
I truly appreciate who stays on my downs (mom and dad of course), everyone can stand by my side on the highs, but then, the shift is hard ! Not everyone can handle it, the real one only could !
When life settles down for a brief moment, instead of enjoying it, you keep wondering when will the next episode hit? When will I stop feeling ok ? Is this just mania or am I actually truly happy?
The thing that scars me the most is that one of those days I’ll finally find the courage to end it, stuck in the middle.. Oh no ! Still depressed, but with the mania energy to fulfill my death wish.
I know that the illness would’ve claimed my existence a long time ago if I didn’t fight back with the meds. It hurts !
So yeah, this is what is like to be a bipolar, I know that it’s hard but please don’t be scared of me! I didn’t choose this, I am just like you, trying to hold myself together while my life is coming apart at the seams.
Despite this, I am still the best uncomplete person you can ever know, with a bit of toxicity but with enough love and support to fill the pacific ocean !
Xoxo.

Last updated March 02, 2021