It has certainly been a while since I’ve been here. I’m kinda relieved to be back writing. 2020 was kinda a shit year for everyone, but it wasn’t the worst thing in the world for me. My ex broke up with me back in March of 2020. At first, I was really sad and I cried a lot that day, but I haven’t cried since that day at all. I did really love him a lot, but all we did was fight. We would go at each other throats over the littlest of things. We were toxic. I loved him, but we were never going to work out, so after 2 1/2 years, he ended things. After 6 months of being apart, however, he came back. I did the thing I never thought I’d have the courage to do…I said no. I stuck to it after months of him begging for me back. I have finally come to the conclusion that I still love him, but I don’t want to be with him anymore. You can love someone, and miss someone and still know that you aren’t meant to be together.
I found a new job, one that I love. A job that I’m excited to go to every day. One where I love all of my coworkers, one where my boss respects me. Yet, I still feel empty inside. Every single day I wake up and feel like there’s something missing.
I have a new boyfriend now. He’s really sweet. The complete opposite of my last boyfriend in every single way. I should be in love. He treats me like a princess, is always there for me, we never ever fight, he’d do or say anything to make me smile, he respects my boundaries, he never pressures me for sex, he wants to give me the world. And yet, all I can think about is my ex.
The thing I never thought I’d miss are the fights. That’s how I knew he loved me. Part of me knows that it’s just toxic behavior I need to unlearn, but another part of me is screaming that he fought for me for months, for years, and I let it all go because I thought I wanted peace and quiet. I thought I wanted someone who would stop fighting to make me happy. But what I wanted, was someone who would fight with me to change my mind, or to prove to me that I was wrong.
I know things aren’t ever going to be perfect. I just wish things were…different.
Loading comments...