Skyscraper National Park in Wherelings and Whenlings

I have to work super early tomorrow, so I told myself I'd get home, take a shower, feed my sourdough, drink a beer, get some studying done and go to bed early

but the only thing i accomplished off of that list was drinking a beer. i didn't even feed the sourdough. i'm really, really far from being responsible enough for a dog.

sometimes i try to read a book and i can't get past the first chapter to save my life, and other times when i read the same book, i swallow it whole. i just read slapstick, by kurt vonnegut, and god, what a mindfuck. now i'm never going to get anything done. i'm just going to stare at my ceiling and think about my world.

one of my biggest wishes in life is to regularly read books with other people. i think good books are like drugs, and should be enjoyed both in social settings and alone over the course of the experience. and the experience should always end with some comforting hugging and nuzzling. i can't be the only one who feels utterly destroyed and in need of companionship after stories or drug-induced emotional experiences, no matter how beautiful or tragic, end

slapstick was pretty thematically focused on extended family, and our need for it (and our lack of acknowledgement about our need for it). and maybe that's why i was able to read it straight through now, as opposed to before my family reunion a few weeks ago

i remember when i was 16, 17, 18, and didn't need my family and didn't want to need them. in fact, i RELISHED that i was free from love and familial obligation, because it meant i'd be able to do what i wanted without worrying anyone or feeling guilty. i remember i thought i was oddly lucky that my mom died and my dad didn't really seem to care about me, because orphans are more free than anyone, and anyway, i could always make and choose my own family by making friends, right?

the phrase "change of heart" has never felt more meaningful to me than it does when i think about how my feelings about family have changed. i might ACTUALLY have a different heart now, guys

honestly, i'd give up quite a bit of the life i've worked so hard to build if it meant i got to live in the same place as my whole family, and that my mom were buried in the city i lived in, and that my sisters were close enough for me to be a daily part of their lives, and that i could have dinner with my dad every day instead of not calling him enough

there isn't enough time or money in the world for me to be close to all of them the way we're set up now. how often can i go to el salvador for day of the dead? how many more times will all of my cousins be able to be in the same place at the same time?

i expected nothing from the reunion, and i got so much.

the only person missing was Sister 1, who was in jail again (very short-term) and would probably have had a hard time bringing heroin on an airplane anyway. and my heart hurts when i think about all of the times she will be missing in the future for similar reasons.

statistically speaking, especially for the neighborhood we grew up in, i suppose i should consider myself lucky that only one of us was missing. but goddammit, no. i'm not going to be thankful about the shitty situations communities like mine get forced into

i think the only way i should have to feel about things that are sad is sad

and i feel sad that i have a sister that is getting so skinny so fast

and i feel sad that i have another brilliant sister that has been intimidated out of studying math in college

and i feel sad that i have another sister who is turning 16 in a couple weeks and entering the stage of her life during which she will truly discover the very few options available to her

but mostly, i'm feel happy and extremely lucky for the opportunity to feel this disastrously vulnerable about other human beings

"I have had some experiences with love, or I think I have, anyway, although the ones I have liked best could easily be described as 'common decency.' I treated somebody well for a little while, or maybe even for a tremendously long time, and that person treated me well in turn. Love need not have had anything to do with it... I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, 'Please-- a little less love, and little more common decency.'

Human beings need all the relatives they can get - as possible donors or receivers not necessarily of love, but of common decency."

(Kurt Vonnegut, Slapstick)