Beginning of the End in Crumbling of Everything

I have tried journaling before but found no justice from it. I think that is due to the privacy of it. I want someone to see and hear my thoughts for what they are rather than keep them to myself. Not only that, I feel incompetent when I do it. It’s better to put them out and pretend that someone cares enough to listen to it all. There is so much of my life I keep private because I find it hard to discuss it with people I know personally. It seems dangerous to do so especially when I know they won’t be around for long. I will be going to college soon and I’m hoping I can leave it all behind. Leave all of the people I know behind because I feel that it would be easier for me to deal with.
With that all aside, I’m a senior in high school and rather than doing my work, I have found myself lacking any energy to do much of anything with these intrusive feelings. I really should be doing my work right now but I’m hoping with this next weekend, I will get another chance. But I’ve been so busy and fatigued that I’ve become lethargic. I could hardly get out of bed yesterday. I was really grateful that we didn’t have school yesterday though. It’s been taking too much of my time and I just want to rest for once. But I had to go to work yesterday. Left at 4:25 yesterday to have a friend’s aunt to drive me 20 minutes out to go to work. I do concession at a Bingo parlor. It’s not exactly a bad job, it’s just the people that make it agonizing. And quite frankly, I’m not exactly a fan of talking to people. But it’s been getting better. A friend had helped me to get this job and I didn’t have to do an interview which I would like to recognize as a blessing. I went to do an interview back when I was 15 for a chocolate factory at a mall and I hated every moment of it. This is actually my first job and I’ve been working there since the beginning of November of 2020. I actually have to do a tax return form now even though I have no idea where I can begin with it. But I’ll be looking into it soon in the next couple of weeks. I get paid $9 an hour and I also receive tips. The tips help a lot. I’ve been saving up all of the tips and I currently have $449. I’m hoping to buy a laptop with my tip money so that I can have one for college. My plan is for me to leave this job by the end of April and to have nearly $650 in tips. And by then, I will be in my final month of high school. Don’t know the graduation date, but I know the final day is on the 28th of May. I’ll be counting down every moment until then. But I think I’ll be rather stressed when that time comes because I need to figure out where I will be living for the next three short months that follow by the age of summer. I live with a friend I my dad and my friend’s parents have made an agreement for my dad to pay $300 to them a month until the day I graduate. I’m not to stay longer with them, but my dad is willing to make a compromise. But I just can’t do it anymore. I despise living with them. It was nice at first and I was grateful but it’s been hurting me more lately. Very often, I find myself crying about the situation because there’s nothing I can do about and I feel like a shit person for how I feel about them despite all they’ve done. I want to say it’s similar to guilt tripping. I don’t want to go into the dynamics about them right now, I sense I’ll talk about it soon again though in the future, just don’t know when.
Anyway, I got home around 10:10 pm last night. Same time as usual. I always count my tips and add them to my others first thing when I come back, it’s very routinely. And despite being tried and desperately needing sleeping, I stayed awake until 1:00 am. I just couldn’t sleep last night, not only that, I refuse to sleep a lot because I feel my freedom is stripped when I sleep because I have to do it all again the next day. There is no break, there is no rest. And regardless of how much sleep I get, I can’t get up anymore. Have an alarm set for 5 or 6 and I always push it forward to 7:40 am, just 15 minutes before needing to catch the bus. I savor and relish every moment I can gain from laying in bed. I really have no problem sleeping throughout the night but then it becomes the problem. I enjoy sleeping too much and I hate leaving sleep just to be awake. It’s easy to ignore all of my problems with my eyes closed and slow intake of breath. It’s like I’m dead without actually having my heart stopping short of beats.
I need help, I know I do. But I can’t afford to get help and not only that, I don’t have the time for it. I’m already too stressed with school and work. It’s not much, but it’s a lot for me because it feels like the whole world is being weighed down on me. And there’s no outlet. It’s stays inside, never reaching the surface. But I need it to come out because it’s messing me up and destroying my future. It’s tearing apart my chances of liberty. I really really hope that this can help me. And that whoever you are, the one reading this, can help me too. I only hope that it’s not much to ask. I’ll take anything I can get but in due time of course. I haven’t exactly delved on who I am in this whole mess. Just barely scratching the surface but I hope to come back because I kinda do feel better now. I want someone to hear me. I’m not lonely. I just have no one to turn to.