Sucking the life out of me. in Give Me Mercy and a Minute now. I'm a bleed a little poison out.

So I suppose this will be me venting out a bit. Bleed a little poison out, if you will.

So apparently my family is having some financial issues. Shit, look at the state of America, of course we are. Who isn't? So, I give them what money I can...which is all of it. Literally. I give them my entire pay check. I don't even have a bank account to put it in. It goes straight into theirs, so they can use it. And that's whatever. What bothers me is when they give my sister money for shit that is just stupid. I'm doing the best I can to help out however I can, and she's not. Yet, more and more it seems like she's their priority. Ummm....sure yeah...thanks. Makes me feel great when I am the one that pretty much supported her and them for awhile, and arguably still is supporting them. While my life is stuck in a perpetual state of stagnancy. Where's my appreciation? Am I seen as lesser than my sister because I am single, 22, no car, living with my parents, and haven't made much progress on the career I want? Oh I'm sooooo sorry. I didn't drop out of high school, get brought home by the cops, marry a druggy (he's cleaning up recently, I'll give him that). Have a kid at like 23. I'm sorry I don't owe people money. I'm sorry. Silly me. All I'm doing is giving you all of my money, and putting my life on hold to help you people out. Of course I am a terrible son. Of course, my sister is better. Yup. Totally. How foolish of me to think that self sacrifice is an admirable trait. If this were a religion...I'd be a deity. They don't even see that this shit sucks for me. Do you have any idea how hard it is to do ANYTHING when all your money goes to supporting your family. All your efforts go unnoticed really? Or watching your hard work get wasted when you pamper my sister with the money you are supposed to be using to help you. SHE STILL OWES ME OVER 400 DOLLARS!!! (Granted I was flexible and agreed to make it 300...which became a total of 341, with my flexibility and forgiveness. That's forgiving probably a good 300 dollars, if you count the summer of babysitting that went unpaid which I agreed to hold off on looking for a job if she payed me. So, sister....kinda shit. Family...kinda shit. They get EVERYTHING. I mean it. They get everything that I can muster to help them. And yet they are having issues, and here I am trying my hardest to help, and feeling bad and asking what more I can do. When, I am already giving everything I can. Do you have any idea how hard it is to actually find someone to call special when you have no money or time to go out and spend time with them, or go out at all really for that matter? Do you have any idea how it feels to know that my current situation...is NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL. Yup. 22. Live with parents. No car. Working retail. No money. It fucking sucks. Feeling like I have nothing that attracts. All of that is just...red flags that say this dude isn't date-able. Who would want to date someone that has no money, no car, lives with parents, and is a nerd. Yeah. Lame. So my personal life...or love life...is essentially non-existent. I mean, how could it exist under these circumstances. Shit hurts. I don't see how I can work so hard. Do so much. And feel so useless and worthless.

Let's get away from that part for a bit. Remember, Idk if I wrote about it on here, but last Christmas/Birthday (well the past couple Christmases/Birthdays I have literally gotten nothing from family. (Got stuff from my best friend's family, but not mine) Sister has gotten shit. I haven't. So, after this last Christmas and birthday, my parents suggested we start setting a little bit aside each pay to work on funding the computer I have been trying to raise the funds to build for the past like 4 years. I've been keeping this laptop of mine alive for far longer than it should be. And every time I started to make progress on saving up, somebody needed my money, and my work was gone. So they suggested it, and they would contribute....wanna know the progress on my computer? Approximately 0 dollars. Wanna know the progress on my car? 0 dollars. I bought 2 cars. One a fixer upper, and the other I ended up giving to my mother when hers broke down...now that one is broken down too. Wanna know who bought my sister a car? My parents. The building a computer thing at this point is to have something that I can use to distract myself from how shit my life is currently. Which isn't right, because I should be making great progress. I am doing good at work, getting a pay bump and a mini promotion. I now make roughly 400+ a pay. not a super pay check, but a pay check none the less (before my pay bump I believe) If I were spending my money on a car or a computer...I'd have my computer completely built and have funds saved up towards a car....probably roughly 1/4 to a half of the money needed. Oh I should add, that I always contribute to ANYTHING I want, where as my sister just takes without contributing. Not to even mention the whole, her moving in again fiasco. The thing is....there is NO REMORSE or regret, or apologetic notions or thanks sent my way. No appreciation for all I do. I get talked down to like I am such a let down. What more do you people want from me? I'm starting to think that I will never be good enough in all aspects. Which is ridiculous, I know, but it's just how I am feeling. I bust my ass and give everything. And haven't had anything really go my way. I mean yes, I got that mini promotion thing at work, but is that really a good thing, if it all goes to helping support my family, and I really see none of it. The money I will be seeing, is off my next pay check, because I am going to the beach with my best friend's family. Shit it's sad that they've shown more appreciation of me than my actual family.

All I am saying is that I feel, sooo worthless. I give everything and I look around and what do I have to show for it? I'm surrounded by a whole lot of nothingness. I just want something to go my way for once, and actually be beneficial to me. I want people to stop just vanishing from my life. I want people to appreciate me for me. Hell, at this point I'd settle for appreciate what I do. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of it all. Where's my positive? In a world that needs balance, and my life being so full of negative...where is the positive for me? When will it be my turn to be happy? What do I have to do to earn the respect and appreciation of the people around me? What do I have to sacrifice? What more is there for me to give or do? I just don't want to feel so worthless and unappreciated and uncared for. I want to not have to be so strong all the damn time. I want someone I can be weak for and not have them condemn me for it. Of all the times I have been strong for people, and what not...why is it that if I show a bit of weakness, I am no longer worthy. And in writing this, I admit I tear up a bit, but I know damn well, come tomorrow morning I will go right back to busting my ass and acting like it's all okay. I will go back to being the strong guy that calls himself king, because I can't not be.

I don't know what else to say here, so I will go to bed because I work in the am.

Kyle out.