I’m not good in making journals nor writing in general. However, I think this is the only escape that I can do and it really helps me to endure the problem that I am facing right now.
I have discovered journaling after a heartbreak. The break-up happened recently and the last 3 months was the worse thing that ever happened. Can’t believe emotional dilemma can hit one person this bad. It affected my health, emotion and over-all life especially the relationship with my family and friends. Now that I think I am halfway healed, I now face another unbearable challenge. A conflict with me and my family.
I attended college away from home and I became accustomed in being alone. When the pandemic hits, I have to go back to my hometown and experience the lockdown with my family. Now that I lived with them for almost a year again, it felt like I really can’t live with them longer. Is it because of pride? Maybe. But what I believe is that I can’t help to act like this because after living away from home, I experienced the peace of living when I am alone. I crave for it. I can’t take the noise, the rush, the pressure and judgements.
Since I was a child, the only thing I kept remembering with this environment is the fights, the insults, noise, pressure and everyday struggle. It seems like there is no good in mornings, talks in dinner and anything else. Yes I am not deprived, I am supported, I also feels happy sometimes but this is not what I want with my everyday life. I know that I sound demanding or what. My Dad said I should compromise and adjust to it, but what if it’s not what I need? Maybe I want a time away? I’ve been trying to adjust for a very long time but instead, it gets worse.
I’ve been wanting to tell my Dad that most of time that I really want to get away from here. Can I tell him without any reason at all? Because I feel like he won’t understand and I can’t find a word to explain what I feel and I also often understand my self why do I feel this way. I feel like even with a thousand words, I still can’t explain what really pushes me to go away. I am so confused with myself and to the decision I’m about to make to keep me sane.
This is my thoughts after having a fight with my family. Sorry if I have grammatical errors or so. I’m too tired to read it again. Thank you!
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