Struggling to breathe in Snippets

I have various memories of being choked. Graham used to choke me on a daily basis. Numerous times every day. Being chained to the bed I was unable to fight him. He would come in the room and get on top of the bed and stick both hands around my throat. And squeeze. Not being able to breathe is scary trying to grasp breaths that aren't there. It felt like I was fighting for my life. And then he would let go. Sometimes I would barely get a breath before he started choking me again. Sometimes he would let me breathe for a couple minutes before starting. Other times it would just be the one round. But not often.This would happen 5-6 times a day for the six weeks he kept me. I remember hoping that maybe one time he would choke me so long he would kill me and I wouldn't have to fear him anymore. I'm not sure which I dreaded more the choking or what came after. Another time was at the group home where I was assaulted by another kid. The choking was a warning that he would kill me if I ever told anybody. I was choked by the guy who attacked me in Oregon but the attack and it's aftermath were more brutal than him choking me. Thanks to his knife going through me I am forever dependent on adult diapers. I had a couple guys beat me and choke me while I was at church. When I opened the door he kicked me in the groin and they said they were going to kill me. Some false accusations were made and posters were put up to discredit me. This beating was in response to those accusations. I told them that the accusations were false and a scheme to have my food ministry shut down. There was even a police report filed.Somehow these guys believed my story and left.

I have a hard time breathing. I have asthma. Night times are the worst for me. Being unable to breathe triggers all sorts of flashbacks for me during the daytime. I don't sleep well. I have nightmares every night. I dread nighttime. Anxiety attacks nightly before bed. And if I'm already having breathing difficulties then it's sure to be a rough night.