I don’t know why I put myself in these situations. I just need a record to keep up with my antics and my hand writing is too atrocious to understand. So I will start from the top.
I came home from a two year deployment to Japan. I thought saving my vacation days would be worth the sell back at the end but it turns out deploying to the pacific isn’t deployment enough and I was taxed twenty percent when I came home. I wanted to go back to college but the holiday season closed the schools until yesterday and I missed enrolling in the program I wanted (welding, TC) so I have to wait another semester to get in where I want. And on top of all this. A girl talked to me. Not just that. A close family friend, who, I was told to move in close cause they all told me we were a perfect fit. I was doubtful. But like the goofgaff that I am, I talked to her. And we talked to one another every day about seemingly anything. We flirted, we shared secrets, anything that vocal cords allow essentially. One hiccup in this line of events is. She has a boyfriend in a long distance relationship. My chest told me to keep pushing though so I kept this whole song and dance going with plenty of help from her. But then one day, a new year rolled in, and like many traditions, we drank and partied and had a generally good time. Until her and I pushed our words into actions. I felt bad because she felt bad about being unfaithful to her significant other. We kept it under the radar because we both don’t enjoy the drama scene and she is a close family friend that I’d like to keep close if not closer. I was under the impression it was only a matter of time until her relationship ended and it would open up unknown possibilities for the two of us but this evening her and I talked about it and I feel like I’ve been discarded like a cardboard box that’s been jizzed on. A secret to the grave, but wants me to stay close. I initially looked up requirements to leave the planet but simultaneously I just want something to numb the pain and numb the numb depression I feel every day. You might say therapy would be a good alternative for me but I’ve tried it for years and the same conclusion seems to come up every time. I want to be accepted and loved by an equal. I don’t have to be the first choice for someone but I sure wish they would choose me as a finale and be happy. I just want someone to see me. I go back to school soon and know I’ll be surrounded by strangers again with more empty promises, more shallow friendships, more drama. I know who I am and I know what I want. But it’s so head smashingly infuriating to be alone knowing that.
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