I don’t even know what I want. The latter half of 2020 seemed to have ruined me and drag me down into this constant mudslide and I have no way of stopping.
I still remember my 2019, a time when I was not boy-crazy in the slightest and was so focus on making money and enjoying my life. I started 2020 with some FOMO and depressive episodes, but my friends were there for me. I was so grateful for them.
They say the sky is always at its brightest before the storm. And during mid-2020, I thought I was at the highest point of my 20-year-old life. I was happy to have amazing friends, supportive families, better mental health, clear skin, I repeat CLEAR SKIN for the first time in more than 2 years, and heck, even some fun on Tinder.
Speaking of Tinder, I downloaded it during the quarantine and have always had the mentality of “Everyone will eventually ghost you”, it kept me healthy, and wasn’t obsessed. I managed to get a boyfriend from that app too, everything was so perfect.
Until October.
October is usually that time of the year when I start to indulge myself in the festive atmosphere and chilly weather and just can’t seem to get sad/mad at anything. But I did. The moment the boy I was so in love with broke up with me 6 hours before my IELTS test by telling me that had found someone he “truly loved”.
Fuck that shit.
3 months have passed and I’m all better. I don’t cry for him anymore. But that does not mean I’m not falling into that boy-crazy mentality all over again. Why is this happening? Fear of abandonment? Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style? Loneliness? Depression? What is it!?
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