1-1989 in The 80s

1/1/1989 Sun. 4:45 AM

Fran’s here now and he’s sound asleep. We went to the fireworks tonight and we tried to get home in time for the ball to drop but got here too late.

Tuesday, I’m gonna go apply for a job downtown at Steiger’s where Emily works.

Emily also said she’d help me pick out a 2-piece bathing suit for Florida saying I’m not too fat for one. Dad also said I’m not too fat for one, but Andrew says I am. I guess it depends on the style and cut of the suit, but I do want to lose more weight. I’m still heavy at 96 pounds. Can you believe it? Everyone says I’m not, though, except for Andrew.

1/5/1989 Thurs. 3:04 PM

Yesterday I went to bed around 2:00 in the afternoon and didn’t get up till 6:30 this morning. Thank God my phone didn’t ring, but I sure as hell bolted out of bed at 2:30 in the morning when the large picture in my kitchen fell and broke. There was glass everywhere.

Sure enough yesterday, fate was against me when I ran into Nervous on my way out of Saratoga drugstore. I tried to ignore him and told him I was sick which I was but he followed me across the street to the gas station where I got a grinder and he waited all the while staring at me. Then when I left, sure enough, he started to follow me down onto Montpelier and I told him to go home and call me tomorrow and he goes, “ok, I’ll call you later today then.” Then the obsessed little boy walked past me down Montpelier as I turned to cut through to O St. The desperate bastard walked away shaking like a leaf at the thought of not getting any attention. When is he ever gonna get the hint? Next time I’ll kill him. He’s constantly begging to be my friend and the fucking male tried to bribe me saying he hasn’t sent in my music book subscription yet, cuz he wants constant attention. I told him he was not my type and why and that if he’s that desperate to go find someone else who’s just as desperate.

1/6/1989 Fri. 8:03 AM

It was this day last year when I flew back from Florida? Crystal lived here at the time, too. I don’t think I’m going to Florida this year until March. That is if I’m not working.

It’s been really cold lately at 0º. And we’ve still got another 4 months or so to go of this cold.

Today I think I’m gonna do my laundry, and sometime next week, I’m gonna go down to the courthouse and try to find out who’s putting another complaint against me for phone calls. It’s a name I don’t recognize for March 3rd, but it’s only a hearing so I probably won’t even show up.

1/9/1989 Mon. 12:39 PM

I was up early this morning which I’ve been doing for the last week or so.

I called this woman’s clothing store in Bay State West and set up an interview for this Wed. The hours are flexible and it’ll work out great if I could work there. It’s so easy to get to, too. They’re hiring part- and full-time. It would be nice to work full-time with 4 weekdays and also Sat. To leave one weekday open would be good for therapy and doctor’s appointments.

I have an appointment for an intake at Community Care on Jan. 20th at 11:30. Hopefully, I can get a female therapist, who I can see the same day I see the doctor.

Feb. 13th and Mar. 3rd I have to go to court.

2:27 PM

The exterminator was just here and I hate to think of having to put everything back in the cabinets.

I’m gonna call the bus’s break room and attempt to speak to Nissan, but she’ll probably cuss me out and hang up on me.

1/23/1989 Mon. 12:55 AM

Well, quite a few things have happened since I last wrote about 14 days ago. I never got the job at the clothing store or the Sheridan Tara and am not gonna waste my time trying to get a hold of Nissan which I can never do. However, I did get hired at Steiger’s clothing store! Yes, I did and I’m psyched! Only Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, though, from 10:00 - 5:30, and just $4.60 an hour. The pay’s not great.

They have beautiful stuff there too, in which I get 20% off. I already bought a necklace and on this job, you must dress up nicely.

Part-time is ok cuz it still leaves me two free weekdays for appointments. They may call me in on my day off if they need extra help.

The day before yesterday, my niece Lisa turned 6. I spoke with her yesterday and she told me she can’t wait till she gets older so we can sing together. That was so sweet and it really touched my heart, but I’m wondering if Sue said anything to her cuz a 6-year-old isn’t smart enough to say or remember that I sing. The only time I sang was last Turkey day over at the house in Longmeadow.

And also, here’s another thing concerning my singing. Sue says she doesn’t mean to hurt me when she gives me an opinion and she said to me, “I’ll give you an example, but I don’t mean it. Suppose I say your singing sucks, well it’s just my opinion that’s not meant to hurt you.”

See, I caught that line, “I don’t mean it.”

6:50 PM

Today I got a huge package in the mail from mom and dad. It had so much stuff. Several shorts, shirts, skirts, socks, underpants and 3 2-piece bathing suits and also earrings, bracelets, necklaces, a watch with a spider inside it, a pocketbook, flip-flops for the beach, a beach bag and tanning oil.

It makes me really want to move down to Florida, get a job and a nice apartment in a nice area and tan and swim all the time. I am getting quite sick of being white as a ghost anyhow.

Sue hasn’t called at all yet today and I realize I didn’t write about her last night.

I dialed randomly looking for someone to talk to and got this 19-year-old girl named Sue on the line, who has a 15-month-old daughter whose father took off when she became pregnant, and I said to Sue, “If you were smart you’d go with a woman cuz males will only screw you up and over.”

That’s when I expected her to slam the phone down in my face, but instead, she said, “You know, I really thought about that.”

So we hit it off really well and spoke for two hours, discovered we had everything in common and that she sang with a band. She played me a tape of her singing and she is truly excellent.

The next day she came over and I thought she was very pretty and also very tall and that she looks a lot like Tiffany.

Like a fool, I even let her borrow my hairpiece.

Then she seemed to want to talk less and less, always saying she’d come over, but never showing up, so I guess she just isn’t my type.

Her mother is a real wacko who treats her like a prisoner. She’s an alcoholic. Andrew called her up, calling her all kinds of names.

Well, Sue didn’t like that and called me up saying she was gonna destroy me and kick my ass, then called me and apologized the next day saying she realizes how small I am and that she just blew up cuz of her mother pressuring her and jumping down her throat and that she really loves me and wants to be friends with me.

I told Sue I’d never live with her cuz of her temper and her family problems and the people she associates with, and I have a feeling that I’ll never see her again or my hairpiece.

See what I mean? Assholes are all I ever meet.

1/25/1989 Wed. 4:10 AM

I have really decided for once in for all to quit smoking. I know I’ve said that before but I’m fucking dying. I can’t breathe and to think of all the money I’d save and how much better I’d sing really encourages me. I’d save so much time too. Time I spend looking for a light or buying lighters and the ciggies. There are plenty of things I could do if I quit such as write, read, watch TV and of course I’ll be working soon so it’s definitely wise to quit before work. It’ll make it easier. I hear I’d be a lot calmer too. The only thing that scares me is getting fat but maybe I won’t. I don’t want to write any more about it. It’s just best to keep it off my mind as much as possible.

5:10 AM

I think I’ll stay up all day so I can put myself on a normal schedule cuz I start work this Friday. Friday and Saturday I have my training, then Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I have regular work. I need to bring with me the envelope handbook, my license and social security card. I can’t wait. I need a job so bad and also the extra money and something to do.

Today I’ve got to call Cablevision to cancel my HBO and to order Showtime so I can see Gloria’s concert. That way Andrew won’t have to tape it. Also, the Grammy’s will be on soon. I know Gloria will win something.

This month I can probably finish paying my dating service, although I am scared shitless, so afraid they’ll be ugly and not interested in me if they aren’t ugly or aren’t jerks.

Today I also need to go to Food Mart quite badly. Or somewhere. I’ve got no food. I hate grocery shopping so much it isn’t funny.

Hopefully, I can catch Nervous at the Forest Park Grill when he gets in for his breakfast.

Another thing is that I need new guitar strings. I’ll have to have Phil take me.

7 AM

Mary just had a baby girl and I am so jealous and it kills me to think I’ll never have kids cuz I’m gay and have no money, but how do all these other people do it? The last thing I want is a male to have to count on to help me. I don’t want to do it with a male but I don’t want to do it alone either. Also, my parents would disown me. I’d constantly be tied down with it, too. If I ever get money by singing or whatever then maybe then I could do it, but then I’d have to give up my career for a while and I still don’t plan on ever having a woman by my side forever.

11:25 PM

I was so lonely and so bored tonight it wasn’t funny. Emily says I really ought to try my dating service and give it a chance. I still feel I’ll never get anyone with the way I am. Emily says I’m very pretty and that my eyes are very striking. It’s my shape, though. I mean, I just look totally ridiculous. My hips are so huge and so are my thighs. I just can’t seem to change my shape. I’ve got such a gut. Will I look like a fool in my new bathing suits? Al said I have a lousy shape and I’m so afraid to let a woman see me. Emily says I look about 80 or 85 pounds, but I think I look 110. I’m really 100, and can you imagine looking hideous at 100? I do, though!

I spoke to Sue who once again said she was bored and wanted to come visit. She never showed up, as usual, saying her mother wanted her to stay home. But she’s an adult, for Christ’s sake!

She also says she thinks she’s pregnant again and is so confused with so many questions without any answers. I told her she’s really fucking herself up by living with her mother, getting pregnant too young and being involved with guys. She’s not my type, although we do have so much in common. But I’m not gonna be roommates with her cuz of all her problems.

1/29/1989 Sun. 1:49 AM

Earlier today I was depressed. I came down with the flu very early this morning and missed my second day of training, therefore I cannot work next week’s schedule which was Mon., Tues., Wed, and Fri. I now have to wait for the next training class which isn’t until February 25th cuz the girl who does the training is on vacation. I was there yesterday, though, and it seemed interesting and the people were very friendly, but it’ll probably get boring after a while as all cashier jobs do.

But anyhow, I am going to be so fucking bored till the 25th. I’ll go nuts. I called and asked Tony, this guy I met who’s really nice, if he has any work I could do for him where he works. He says not really, but he’ll look into it. I’ve only seen this guy Tony only once in person and he seems like a really nice and mature guy but as usual, I have no attraction for him at all. I could never go to bed with him and I’m afraid of him falling in love with me and I really think that right now he really likes me a lot. What do I do? Well, I asked Andrew who said to give him up cuz I’d rather be with a woman and cuz of there being no sexual attraction.

I haven’t heard from Sue today and have a feeling I will never ever see my hairpiece again. The phone did ring, though, at 11:30 or so while I had the headphones on listening to music but by the time I picked up the phone the machine came on and they hung up. It was probably either Sue or Andrew.