Social Human Shit in I write

I am super anxious about posting anything on twitter.

Since childhood I’ve always been stressed out about trying to make a friend or even staying friends with anyone. Like in elementary school if I sat with someone or talked to someone I’d be like “yes I survived! I made a friend?” My heart would stop pounding with anxiety.

I’ve never had close friendships with anyone in elementary school. I did in middle school, but then I became opposite in junior high. Turned into a turtle and made like zero friends in junior high and high school.

Made like two friends in college but then never actually spent time with them. Just isolated myself and didn’t make time to try to be close to anyone. One thing I spent enormous time in studying (perfectionistic and didn’t try to change myself to study wisely and quickly). I made it so that I’d spend the entire day eating/exercising/studying and made zero room for anything else in my life. So I isolated myself and got myself into mental shit. Also I was still very self-conscious and socially anxious/fearful (stemming from junior high).

Another thing is I almost always turned to my mom when I wanted to talk to someone. She was my only friend in high school. Til today, she’s the one who knows me the most and whom I talk to everyday. I just naturally feel myself around her. At the same time, I now try to stay emotionally detached from her because for one, she won’t be there forever, and two, I really should interact with people my generation and in my field of work.

I fear having emotional attachment to anyone because I’m a sensitive person. Like I cried the day my parents dropped me off at college undergrad. And then I was socially and emotionally stressed for a while.
Recently another reason for this fear is I like being free to myself.

I get easily affected on twitter. On social media I feel like a stranger, and I’m super anxious about expressing myself (like I have this social perfectionisitic nature). It’s hard for me to use social media as a way to talk to people I’ve never met in person. One thing is I’m not good at expressing myself. And also I’m god damn socially anxious on it. And it doesn’t feel real either.

I have a hard time opening up to people fully. Or getting close to people. I probably get it from my dad, he has always struggled socially too.
One thing, I’m scared what people think of me if I totally reveal myself. That’s why I tend to keep everything surface level. I hide myself. It takes a while for me to totally open up to someone. The only person who completely knows me is my mom and myself.

Today I started thinking that I’m not a truly loving person. That all I do is try to be perfect. And try to do good things everyday. And stay active. And help my mom. But that’s it, no connection with anyone else.

What I never liked about holidays since I was little was getting bored.
And this time around, I feel guilty about enjoying. I feel like I’m just wasting time and not being purposeful by enjoying. Also like barely anything feels fun anymore. Okay I study some time everyday. Then chores/errands. Exercise.

I do like writing and listening to podcasts.
But I feel like I’m an inhuman human being because I like speak to no one outside of work.

The thing is if I naturally don’t seek to have friends. Like please someone explain that to me??
If my mom wasn’t around, then would I actively try to make friends? Is that what it is, because she’s there I just am like okay she talks to me I talk back and the days go by. But if I’m completely alone, then would I try to make friends?

I get scared to be myself on social media. One thing I was never used to it, and also I don’t like trying to “prove” or “explain” myself to anyone.

I’ve lived a lone life so I’m never used to being socially active or just saying whatever freely. I get the thoughts of posting something when I get excited about something or read or see something interesting, but then I hold back. And then I get a moment of stress (heart pounding).

And I get mentally disturbed easily on social media. Doesn’t feel like real, I never see the people and they never see me, it’s just a stupid ass screen.

Am I an inhuman being?