Wednesday/Friday in Random Thoughts

12:20
There will be more to this after work, but I have a ponderance to consider.
When S and I talked about dating, or maybe it was just the “special friends” thing, I don’t remember, one of her rules was no....hmmmm… Risque pictures. I won’t go into details (funny how I detail some things and not others) but she sent one to me. It was unrequested, and highly unexpected.
Seems like the more I talk myself out of going over there, the harder she tries to persuade me to go over there. My quandary is, is this a sign to accept what’s available despite it not being what I’m looking for, to fill the gap until I do find what/who I’m looking for? Or is it a test of my resolve to live up to my “don’t settle” rule, to prove I’m worthy of what I really want?
The universe is a strange thing.

21:35
So today wasn’t really eventful. Had to get into a couple of precarious positions to get some fixes done, but nothing horrible.
I did end up getting one of my annoyances again today. K told me to call her when I got done with my last job, as she had something that needed done, but didn’t know if anyone was available, and I might have to do it. Last few times she’s told me that a couple hours before the end of the day, I get back, and there’s another tech been standing around in the office for an extended period of time. So I didn’t call her before I left the last job, and headed back. When I got back, the tech who’s usually allowed to hang around, is hanging around the office. I saw his truck in the lot before I turned the corner, so made a point to park near his truck, and felt the hood of his truck on my way into the office. Cold. I told K what I needed to tell her about the two jobs that needed additional work, clocked out, and left, without saying a damn thing to anyone. Well, if she wants to shaft someone at the last moment, it ain’t me.

I’m also already in the “F!k the holidays” mood. And for the record, I don’t say “happy holidays” because I’m anti holidays. I say it to combine “Happy Thanksgiving”. “Merry Christmas”, and “Happy New Year” into one statement. And I’m not anti-holiday, realistically. I like the holidays, when I’m not alone. As I’ve said before, I don’t do particularly well alone. I used to enjoy Thanksgiving day, hanging out with family/friends, good food, good conversation, we all stuff our faces till we can barely move, then joke about how fat we are now. I miss Christmas time, singing carols, egg nog and good tidings, exchanging gifts, seeing the smiles, being together. I miss New Years, and all the stories of what we put up with in the year before, what we plan for the year to come, watching that stupid ball drop, cheering in the new year, and shooting off a few fireworks in the driveway. I miss all that. I don’t like being alone, and 2020 has been way more alone time than I should ever have allowed myself. So, this is where I get back to what I started at lunch time. And yes, I know I said after work, but I never said how long after work. I needed time to clear my head before I tried to think about this.

I know it’s weird, that a guy gets an obvious invitation for sex, gets a revealing picture with a blunt invitation, and he doesn’t just immediately jump at the chance. I’m a bit more complicated than I’d like to be. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the invite or the opportunity. It’s not that I’d not love to have a couple hours of hot sweaty fun in the nude with someone I can at least mostly trust. I love boobs. I’d love to be able to play with a pair. But this isn’t something that I can easily accept. I have history with S, and it’s not all good. I got too many big disappointments from her. But she’s not talking about a relationship this time. She’s just talking about two friends REALLY enjoying each other’s company, so to speak. I know I’ve commented about my attraction to her being less than ideal, but in reality, she’s a lot like KB was before we fell apart, KB was just a little better endowed and more my type than S is. As much as I’ve talked myself out of this time and time again, perhaps I’m just too used to being single and alone that it’s simply too easy for me to accept this as a good thing and not some trap. S is not ideal, to me. But, she is a good friend, has a good heart, is usually well intentioned, not a liar.... she’s not the majority of my bad history, albeit still a part of it. Maybe I’m overthinking it. I know I’m overthinking it. That’s a given. It’s not like we haven’t been to that point before, even though it definitely wasn’t the best situation and honestly was probably the worst sex I’ve ever had. Hmmmm… May as well flip a coin at this point.

I guess I’m really mostly worried about getting involved with S on that level, then meeting someone that really ticks most or all of the boxes. If that happens, I can’t keep things going with S, obviously, but I don’t want to hurt her, especially as she’s the one instigating things. But generally, the type of girl I go for wouldn’t exactly approve of this. Truth told, I don’t really want to meet that girl here. I want to meet her when I get back to Texas. But, I also would like to meet her here, and she could help me get home. It’ll happen or it won’t. So… where does that leave me in regards to S? Well.... Undecided. But, I can at least go over and hang out. If things happen, I can do what I’ve been doing, and stall out before it goes too far. Probably not before second base, though. Oops. Yeah, I know, I’m a pig. Suck it.

To anyone who is still reading, and has read more than just this entry, thanks for reading. I know I don’t make sense, but sometimes I just need to say things and get them out of my head.

Last updated November 26, 2020