New Years Past and The Truth about Fake Tits... in Fast times at where ever

I found myself down next to the river at Jeff Hall, my buddy, his uncle, his uncle’s friend, and myself. Standing outside the small Hindu ran liquor store. We we’re going to purchase some street booze until my buddy figured out that his wallet had fallen out of his jacket pocket and was most likely laying somewhere down a dark alley where we knew it was being fondled, fingered and downright molested by hood rats… I take to one side of the street and my buddy takes to the other side. We’re doing the best we can retracing ourselves in a stumbling stupor. I hear him cussing as he’s lost his entire New Year’s paycheck. Next thing I know I’m looking down this alley and there are twenty dollar bills scattered everywhere, and a brown leather wallet laying in a pothole… Our recovery mission turned into an Easter egg hunt. I’m snatching up twenties. He’s snatching up twenties. Shen it’s said and done we’ve got a whole stack of twenties. Some 260 dollars’ worth to be exact. Not a single one went missing that night and his wallet didn’t end up having aids… #Blessed

We work our way back to the Calcutta booze, tobacco, beef jerky temple (why would a Hindu place sell beef jerky???) where the other two guys stayed. We go back in the store and pick out their finest pint of Jack Daniels. We’ve all gotten into this square circle. the bottle made its rounds until nothing was left. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m personally getting the whiskey spits by this point. We all stumble across the street and I’m eye-balling this cop that’s helping with traffic, I tend to get all paranoid when I’m drinking booze strait out of the bottle in public view…

So, we make it PI free to Jeff Hall. I’m rolling past the bouncer, kind of looking around since it’s my first trip there. I’m here for two things, one to get boozed up, two to find myself some ladies, and boozed up is already taken care of. I do the ol “I’m gonna walk around the bar all nonchalant until I see something I like, then I’m going to creep her out” routine. I didn’t notice anyone on the first round… But, I know what I did see. the uncle’s little friend was all over some Asian tranny, you know the kind that still had five o’ clock shadow. I’m looking at my buddy saying “what the fuck is happening dude???” and he responds with “well, that “dude” looks better than his ol lady…” so, now I’m thinking “Makes sense.”

It’s almost midnight and there are some pretty waitresses bringing around bottles of bubbly and solo cups. (I was thinking it was awful damn nice of the bar to give us free bubbly). Then I turn my attention to Dick Clark and the ball drop, yell “HAPPY NEW YEARS”, and make my rounds again.

I’m stumbling around yelling every three to five seconds “HAPPY NEW YEARS” and these frat boys come up to me and start yelling “Zach Galifianakis!!!” (I looked a lot like him at the time and the hangover was very popular) they ask me if they can have a picture with me. I end up doing a whole damn photo shoot and parting ways not long after.

I do a whole revolution of the bar and end up out on the back patio. This random woman is asking me if I’ve ever felt a fake tit. I haven’t, or at least didn’t know it if I did. She looks at me and says “go ahead… feel it… give it a nice squeeze” so I give it a nice long feel and looking into her cocaine glazed eyes say “Well… I can’t really appreciate them feeling them though a shirt…” so she tells me to put my hands under her shirt. no bra since she had fake perky tits. I stand there for a good few minutes just kind of checking them out. Like nipple location and, firmness. (*There will be a footnote about my thoughts on fake tits at the end of this story). Then the lady with the fake tits asks me if I had gotten my New Year’s kiss, and I told her “no.” She calls four of her friends over and tells them that I didn’t get my New Year’s kiss. They line up, and all four girls give me one starting with ol fake tits herself. so I’m liking where this is going. I get this idea. Why not single one out from the herd and see where it goes. No need to be a hero, I pick one of the girls more my speed. So I’m making out, and rubbing up on her, and all a sudden this Goldberg looking mother fucker full blown spears her into a bunch of bar stools and she’s laying there bloody and broken, and he screams at me “GET THE FUCK OFF MY WOMEN!!!” I’m evaluating the situation. This guy has just broken his ol lady with no fucks given. he’s a lot bigger than me. None of my buddies are anywhere to be found. and I’m pretty intoxicated. I better take my chances and just say sorry to Goldberg, so I say “sorry man, didn’t know.” and Goldberg is like “FUCK YOUR SORRY!!!!” So… New plan… I turn around an order myself a drink. Then it hits me, give this big son of a bitch time to cool off and I’ll make a peace offering. I don’t want this dude seeing me in a dark alley later that night. Five minutes or so goes by. I order a drink, the bartender hands it too me and I walk up to the dude doubling down drinks. I look at the guy motion him in to come closer to hear what I was going to say. I tell him “Hey dude, not gonna lie I’d be pretty pissed too if some hairy bastard was filling up my ol lady in front of me… so I’d like to tell you and her that I’m sorry and here’s a drink for the trouble…” It worked… So rather than having a big angry fuck running into me after the bar closes I have a big intoxicated buddy to say hey too…

I’m walking around the bar searching for my buddies. Still semi shaken up from my experience from that big angry fuck on the patio. and I can’t seem to find anyone. I go outside the bar and get a breath of fresh air. I see these two asses I recognize talking to a cop on the purple people eater. I didn’t want any part of that. I start walking back towards the NP side of the river. I ran into this girl lurking in the shadows, and I start talking to her. Long story short she gave me her number so I could text her and go watch sunny in Philly with her naked, strange… but when in Rome you know…

So here come the uncle and his friend and their noses are bleeding and their pretty much bloody and broken, I’m thinking “what the fuck…” So, I ask them what happen and they go into this long drawn out story. How they were protecting my honor from those frat boys. who had their picture taken with me. I’m thinking “protecting my honor???” I mean am I prom queen now??? They got their asses handed to them I could tell. I’m ready to go text moon shadow and see where I need to watch Sunny in Philly at. But, I have to find my buddy first so I tell the uncle and the other guy to wait on me on the corner and don’t move.

I go looking for my buddy. I’m searching all around the river front for like 30 or 40 minutes. I walk back up to the street and I see this lump of human sitting on the sidewalk sharing a pizza with a delivery guy. I keep looking at this dude and sure enough it’s my buddy I’ve been looking for like a damn hour. So, I walk up and I’m all “let me get some of that, dude!!!” I’m all hungry and sober as the Irish Pope by this point, so I get him to his feet and we’re ready to roll out. I go looking for the uncle and his friend and their nowhere to be fucking found. We make the executive decision to leave their sorry asses. We’re about two steps from being in the car, and on our way back to his house when his uncle calls. He says he has some women waiting down next to the river. My buddy is a big dude and I’ve never seen this guy move so fast. Like his damn feet didn’t even touch the ground, like he floated all the way back to the main drag…

I finely catch up with him and the other two and there is only one women down there and she’s old as fuck and not like the well-aged old but like crazy cat lady old… “Why the fuck are we here???” so I pretty much lay the law down and tell everyone to get the fuck in the car. It’s close to 4 AM and everyone is tired and/or bleeding out of their face… I’m the DD because I’m most sober at this point. We all four climb in the car. As soon as I turn the key these assholes start screaming to the top of their lungs “WHITE CASTLES.” And to be honest that’s not a terrible idea.

We all roll in to White Castles and I order my food and I watch my buddy order his and I hear “two sliders…” and I’m thinking “two sliders???” who the hell comes to White Castles for two sliders… but I really don’t care at this point. I guide him back to the table. Sit my food down while he’s harassing this little hood rat, for the gold star she packed in. Everyone is kind of settled down so I go to the bath room. As I walk out of the bathroom I see like 5 cops coming in every entrance, I’m thinking “holy shit balls, this son of a bitch is getting robbed” then I see the cops talking to the uncle and his friend and I hear them say “Ok dude… you guys have called 911 like 5 times tonight over the same fight, do it again and your whole crew goes to jail…” That’s my final straw I walk over to my buddy and say “get the fuck in the car” at this point I really don’t care about the uncle and his friend fuck them… but they follow. I’ve got this vision in my head of us all getting in the car and as soon as I pull out we get pulled over because of uncle ass fuck and his buddy ass fuck Jr… They all three start their shit in the back of the car. and I kind of fly off the handle for a minute and tell them to sit there and shut the fuck up. Their all silent as church mice at this point. I pull out all careful and this cop car passes me and wiping the sweat from my brow I’m feeling safe from a DUI again…

We make it back to the house and the uncle and his friend disappear into the night, good riddance… I get to go to bed without having the breaks beat off of me, getting a DUI, or watching sunny in Philly naked with a moon shadow girl of the night. I lived to fight another day this round…

• Bonus: My Thoughts On Fake Breast:

Honestly not my thing… the one’s I felt were sort of boxy, and weren’t soft like a breast should be, they felt more like a dry kitchen sponge. Maybe I have weird taste. But, I feel like a woman’s breast should dangle a little. have some elasticity to them; every breast has its strong points if you know where to find that strong point.