NoJoMo - Day 2 - My entire childhood in NoJoMo

02: Describe your “awkward” phase and what made/makes it “awkward”?

My entire childhood was my awkward phase. That’s it, entry over, that’s the big scoop.

My parents saw me as a ‘problem child’ from as early as I can remember. At a young age they began taking me to the doctors about my behaviour. I’m sure, but for a diagnosis, that I had or have ADHD. Every school, Christmas or birthday party I can remember up until I was in double digits ended (or more typically began) with me so worked up and hyper that I’d give myself an asthma attack and miss out. I have several memories of sitting elsewhere, missing out on a party whilst I waited for my inhaler to kick in.

It wasn’t limited to just being excitable either. I was described on many a school report as ‘boisterous’. I once hit a girl who wouldn’t play with me. I was only 4. I am however, ambivalent when it comes to how I see my home life as a child. My parents were older. My Dad was of the opinion that children should be seen and not heard, but preferably not seen either. My Mum was constantly tired, picking up the slack from everything my Dad didn’t see as his role to do. No one had time for me at the best of times but as your typical lonely only child, I craved attention and was seldom rewarded with it. It’s hard to be sure how much of my ‘bad behaviour’ was a product of possible ADHD and how much was simply the result of essentially being ignored and lonely. Or worse - the repercussions of living in fear of a Father who was impossible to please and rewarded my inability to do the right thing in kind.

My friendships were tumultuous also. My very first best friend - B, I had known since play group when we were three and we were inseparable. This was my first imprint of what a friend should be and it remained the template I would compare all other friendships against. We started school together and played together out of school. Our Mums were friends. But at 5 we moved away and I never really got over that.

I moved schools a lot after that, for various reasons. I was always the third wheel in every friendship. And I always got it wrong. I was too needy. Too clingy. Too demanding. Said the wrong thing. Wore the wrong clothes. Too outspoken. And forever the ‘new girl’ on a seemingly endless loop. Equally, my ability to put my foot in my mouth or antagonise precisely the wrong person did not help at all. No one deserves to be bullied, but there were certainly many times when I brought it upon myself. If I’d just kept my nose out of things or been a fair bit kinder myself or kept my opinions quiet, I may have had a far easier ride. But I didn’t and without a close friend to see me through, invariably school was a very lonely experience.

I constantly sought a best friend and continued to mourn the loss of B well into my teens. Through the various twists and turns of our education system though, we met back up again when I was 15 and our friendship continued on from where it had left off when we were 5. It was through her and my now ex, that I found my place in the world and learnt that there were going to be people in this life who loved me for me. But that is a story for another time.

Last updated June 25, 2021