Why am I like this in I write

Have I become an apathetic person? I feel like I can’t give care for others, like I’m a useless piece of shit.

I don’t want to be like my dad - insecure, emotionally immature, trusts nothing and no one, robotic personality, autistic-like, low confidence and self esteem, inferior complex, no independent mindset, rigid in his routines, no socialization. Dad doesn’t make an effort to change or see a psychiatrist or get help to change.

What happened to me?

I could say that using social media fucked up who I was before, but I can only blame myself. I’m vulnerable to what I see. When I see someone doing something good or being happy on social media, I get this feeling that I’m not doing anything helpful or kind. What should vulnerable people like me do?

Sometimes I want to get run over by something quick and easy. No thought just happen.

Get up, meditate/walk, eat, do work, sleep.

There’s nothing I can do, I’m in a kinda rut to be able to take up something like volunteer/work. I got this second interview next week. And then I start again actual clinic stuff the week after.

I always think I‘m disrespectful and shitty to him. Feeling of guilt.

I don’t know why I’m like this. I stopped doing what I did for fun in the past. I feel guilty to even talk to a friend from school. Like I developed this feeling that I’m someone who deserves no love and no friends. Because I think that I’m a heartless noncaring person.