And by "in" I'm not really sure what that means yet, but I blocked communication between her and I for a while now. She's been trying to get back into our life for a few months now, but I haven't felt comfortable with the idea... There's just been too many disappointments & spiteful feelings & words coming from her, I just don't need that in my life. But I want to 'believe' she is coming from a loving place and that's what's making me wonder if I should give her a chance. Thing is though, I have ZERO trust in her and I always doubt her motives, thinking she may want 'in' for revenge (for the reality she created in her sick mind...) I want to believe she's better, and that she's not taking drugs, and that she's clean and wants a healthy relationship with me... But can I? So I wrote her this email...
**Hi Melany, sorry that you didn't get to go at the funeral. I also got the message very last minute and I wrote to you as soon as I could.
I hope you're doing well, and that you're happy. Listen, I don't know if you're serious about wanting "in" again in our family, but if you are I am willing to take baby steps. There are a few boundaries I need to set right now though and I'm going to share them with you: 1. No talking bad about me to family or, even to me, I'm not interested in knowing what you don't like about me 2. I'm not ready to have you come over to my house, first I need to see that you are coming from a loving place 3. If you do come to my place one day, no looking for fault, for things to claim, for drama, I'm not interested. 4. I'm not interested in the past, I don't want to hear about it.
So, now that that's out of the way, the reason I've reconsidered this is mainly because I 'want' to believe you are coming from a loving place, in wanting to know your nieces and nephew. I don't want to 'block' you from having a relationship with them, BUT if I suspect that you are trying to harm them or me in any way, shape or form, trust me... It'll be over in a second. I can see through bullshit now, I grew. But I can also see honesty and love, and I "think" you are being honest in wanting to know them.
Lastly, by baby steps, I mean baby steps. I need to feel like I can trust you. I don't feel like I 'know' YOU anymore. I think we can start by writing to each other weekly, to 'get' to know one another again, clean slate. I am thinking of letting you talk to the kids over the phone, but if I don't feel comfortable with something, if I feel like things are going to fast for me, I will let you know.
If you feel comfortable and if you agree with this, let me know, Tammy*
It's a step... But to be honest I don't know if it's the right one, the only thing I do know is that I think that everyone deserves a chance, and hopefully this can result in us having a normal sisterly relationship, I'm definitely not betting on it. But it's a step... I feel like I'm so cold towards her, but I need to protect myself, and my family.... We'll see. We'll see.
Asides from that, finally... Hot weathers are starting. Snow is melting. My heart feels happy. My babies are so amazing, I feel like I have such a good relationship with my girls and they continue to impress me each and every day, filling my days with love and happiness. Luis and I have been doing a lot better, not that things were ever 'bad'. But I feel like our relationship has been improving, I started putting my 'pants' on, haha Figure of speech. I just want to be the woman I know I can be. I've been changing recently... Taking my place, you know. I don't know... It feels good to have a voice and to let it be heard. And I like what it's doing to our relationship, I feel like he's listen more now, like he's taking me more seriously, and it's empowering. Xavier's been a bit more of a challenge for me. I love that boy so much. But it's harder for him, because he's got his dad, he splits his time between here and there, and he's starting to have this 'teenage' attitude about him, and often bothers Paola, creating dispute and it stresses me out so bad sometimes. It's so hard to create structure I find with him cause he doesn't listen half of the time, It takes forever for him to get things accomplished and it frustrates me so bad sometimes. I understand... He needs attention. He tests my limits more cause it's to start all over when he comes back from his dads (which is like candy land btw, they're always doing these fun filled expensive activities) and I can't compete with that, we don't have that much money and the age group in our house is a little different than at his dads (where he is the youngest). He doesn't understand why it's so 'boring' here, and I guess it frustrates him that I'm always in his back about school, homework, picking up, etc. I don't want to be that nagging frustrated mom. I try to keep my cool, but it's hard. I'm working on it. So, Xav's birthday is coming this weekend :) Seb is invited & sleeping over, my grandma's sleeping over, Justine, Omg... It's going to be a busy weekend. I'm not really stressed out over it though. I'm surprisingly calm about the whole thing. Oh yeah, Luis sort of 'rekindled' with his friends recently... So they're invited too... I'm wondering how that will go (it's a little akward, since they still haven't seen our baby, who's 9 months now...) I will never understand certain things in life I guess. But I will be polite, I'm good at that. And I'm going to make them feel welcomed. So I gotta go.. Here's our latest video
just me and Luis talking about our relationship, kind of a silly video really, but that's kind of how we always are.
Talk to ya later :) xox
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