Soooo in Daily life

How do you get over someone. Someone with whom you shared almost 25 years with, good years up until a few years ago when faced with stress from parents dying, health issues, friendships ending. Your partner starts closing up but you keep on being behind them, giving them space, you can’t force them to talk to you and you believe in them.

Then your partner has an encounter with someone of the opposite sex and goes headlong into an affair, knowing it is not going to be good but doesn’t want to stop. The affair comes to light, agrees to counseling but never stops thinking about the other person and keeps on seeing her.

Yes, Jeff was the one who kept contacting her. Then a crisis struck, the fire, and your partner wants to reconcile. You reconcile for 2and a half months and then he suddenly leaves again to go back to the other woman. She was not expecting him to come back because he made it plain when he left that he wasn’t coming back. He admits that things were going well for us but then he started looking back. The bottom line is that altho he attempted to try he didn’t really want to. He didn’t work at getting her out of his heart. He only allowed me to come in partway.

He had never been unfaithful before, doesn’t see himself being unfaithful to her. Their relationship isn’t all but it is what it is. She didn’t care that he was married, evidently it doesn’t matter to him either that he s with someone who had a relationship with her sister’s partner of 10 years because they were having issues, but that doesn’t make it right.

So why is there a tiny part of me that wants him to be the man he was and come back. At one time he had integrity and loyalty, he doesn’t now. He didn’t value what we had and threw us away for something that can never be satisfying when it was based on deceit from the beginning.

All of the above leaves me back to why am I having such trouble finding peace.

Edit: to say it just takes time, doesn’t help because since this all happened in 2018, I have been unsettled. Kept trying, I felt like he was just leading me on, he said no, but if I look back at his actions, he didn’t try. He would go a couple of months without seeing her and then he would, even tho he told the therapist he wasn’t seeing her. He initially left New Year’s Day of 2019. He left a note that said he didn’t to soul search. We saw each other a couple of days later and he seemed like a different person, that he had come to his senses. I later found out that she was living in the Apartment with him and his whole idea of getting the apartment was for the two of them.

When the fire came and everything came out, when I questioned him as to why this time I should believe him, he said I could believe him because he had finally come to his senses. Now again, he says that he is doing a lot of soul searching.

It is only 3 weeks since he left and I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. There is no more hope and why would I want him back. Because I believe the loyal, integrity Jeff is still there, buried deep inside. I can’t function. I pray for peace and the pain to go away because I have been dealing with it for so long but I am not feeling or getting it.

I tried so hard but I failed. I know most marriages do not survive something like this but some do altho it takes a lot of hard work. It hurts that Jeff was too weak, he gave up. Of course he said he was sorry and feels guilty but they are just words. He has no idea. Yeah, he isn’t doing all that great but he will eventually be ok because he has someone and it will be ok but it won’t be what we had. And how do I get over him. I want to be a wife dearly loved and I don’t see that ever happening. I loved him more than he loved me because I would never have done this to him. I would, and did, put a stop to an advance to me because I held marriage more sacred than Jeff did.

Sorry for going off like this. I am seeing a counselor but I don’t think it is helping. The counselor was so hopeful for us but he feels that he failed in getting thru to Jeff to keep moving forward.

Last updated November 09, 2020