Realization... in Random Thoughts

  • Nov. 9, 2020, 4:43 a.m.
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  • Public

I’m laying on the couch watching StarTrek Voyager, and had kind of an “oh really” moment.

Ya know, I’ve been on about the whole thing between S and myself, where she wants things to go, and that I don’t think it’s a good idea, and I’ve been back and forth on the whole thing. It’s been rattling around in my head so much, I’ve known I’ve needed some kind of distraction. I almost decided to go along with her ideas, and then I got distracted by the one thing from the one person that would most definitely shove everything with S to the back of my mind - getting that message from BL. Funny how the timing worked on that one. And she’s a very very effective distraction.

I had the realization yesterday that I’m already getting a bit too wrapped up in the whole conversation with BL thing. I caught myself delaying going out yesterday, waiting on a message from her. S was trying to convince me to come over yesterday, and I kept stalling because I was hoping BL would message me after she put her son to bed. She never messaged me, and I ended up staying in anyway, but when I went to bed last night, that’s when I realized how caught up I’ve gotten. I have to watch myself with her. No, I’m not reading more into her messages than what’s there. It’s just a conversation on Facebook between two friends getting reacquainted. She’s not coming back, nothing is going to happen, I’m not getting a second chance. We’re just friends. No, I’m not going to lie to you or myself - I would absolutely love it if she completely surprised the crap out of me one more time and told me she was still in love with me and wanted me back. But I’m well aware it’s not going to happen.

It’s really crazy how things work out some times, and how sometimes, the things we think are absolutely empirically impossible, end up happening anyway. When I first contacted S again, I never expected her to actually essentially pick back up where we left off. But we did. If you told me a year ago that I would actually be talking to BL again, I’d have laughed in your face and told you you’re crazy, that there was no way in hell she’d ever talk to me because of how bad I messed things up. But lo and behold not only am I FB friends with BL, we’re talking again. As I said, something I would never have believed possible. It gives me some encouragement that maybe I’m not as screwed as I thought as I was, and getting back to Texas may be easier than I thought. At least, that’s what I really hope this all means.

Anywho, it’s Sunday night, everything is done, save going to bed. I still don’t want to go to work tomorrow. But, I’ll be better once I get my work day started. That’s all I do anymore. Go to work, get it over with, and come home. Meh. At least I have a couple of good things, and a few good people to keep me going. It’s barely enough, but it is enough.

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