I want to be there for him in I write

I am insecure because my family won’t accept it. They probably won’t respect me too. That’s why I’m scared to commit. It’s a culture difference. (He knows my race). And they’ll say why someone “uneducated” like him and with such a job. (I’m sorry but that’s what they’ll say I know it).
I’ve listened to my mom almost my whole life for major life decisions.

These things are why I’m afraid to say that I love him. But I don’t want to be anymore. Because I seriously love him.

I keep on telling myself that it’s my life. But then my family’s worried about my naivety and how I can live on my own. If none of them were around, I seriously would go live with him.

Although I care about my family, to be honest I think about him every single day, more than my family more than anyone else. I came to the point if it’s not him, I don’t desire or think to meet anybody else.

I never thought I want to ever be with anyone, I was fine being alone. (I did get into a “inappropriate” (distant relative) online “relationship” with someone after I took a break from graduate school. I just said one friendly thing and then the guy started texting and asking me a lot of things. I asked him to stop but then I got dragged into it and fell for him. The guy told me his parents were gonna get him married to someone else but even then he wanted me. And so I felt for him and I fell for it. He visited me and then left and went back to his own life.
I hate talking or thinking back about that, but I’m saying it because that’s why I get scared or feel it hard to trust 100%, because of that experience, I got afraid of not having reassurance. Towards guys, I’ve always been hesitant to trust them especially the ones that I thought were hitting on me (because I am and also appear innocent) but after this happened, it hit me. It also almost killed my mom’s heart when she found out about it. Ever since then my mom is concerned for me that I shouldn’t be a fool and I need to be careful.

But now I see you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be completely open to him or fully trust him before. I’m sorry.

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I started watching the shows late in life, after restarting graduate school, and after I saw him, the only kind of show I watched was his shows. I watched it to see him, not for the sake of watching the shows. Then much later I decided to take a chance and ask him.

The thing is when and how can we literally be with eachother?

The other state is so expensive and I don’t want to take money from him. I want to be earning my own money.

If I do get the job I’m working now to get (interviews now and I don’t know if I scored enough on exam), the job will most likely be in the state I’m living in.

If I don’t get this job, I will either apply for a job with my past degree plus do another part time job; or apply to do a degree in another graduate school related to the one I’m in now (but like half the time to finish).

I’m not a business-minded person - I don’t know how I would be able to start or run a business on my own. If I was I would have done it.

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I was crazy about him from the beginning even though I hid (because of the fear I mentioned above)

I’ve seen past his flaws and habits. I love him despite any of it. I love his wildness I always have, I love the way he loves himself :) I want to do those things with him. If I’m completely alone, no family around, I would give myself 100% to him.

I wanted to tell him this long time ago, but his words are often times my thoughts.

I remember his first response (target) (I won’t say the actual words here). I remember almost everything he said (the eyes tell the truth, other things).
I’m sorry. I get you.

I saw the same number he did several times last week even I think a couple days ago.
I’ve been seeing his birthday on the clock almost every day for a long time.
I check his messages during the day away from the app, seems like I check it only once a day but I see them during the day through a different medium because I want to see him. (Again I was doing this out of that insecurity I had)

He works so hard he’s responsible. I want to be there for him. That’s what matters to me. If my family doesn’t approve, that’s their choice right? I want to be with the man I want to be with.

When I’m by myself and my mom is out of house for some time, it’s him that comes to my mind when I feel like saying something. If she’s around then she initiated the talk and keeps the conversation going. But when she’s not there, I want to text him.

I get down if he’s mad or upset or doesn’t text. When he’s happy, I smile. When he said that time his body aches I wanted to write can I hug him give a massage cook for him. Then I hesitated I didn’t know if I’d offend. Anyways,

After how I made him feel, I wanted to stop feeling anything. I got mad at myself for it. I did it to myself again but automatically.

Then I saw his text this afternoon and I brightened up a little bit. I wanted to figure out. I get you dear. I’m sorry I didn’t get it all this time.

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How can I do it? There has to be a way there has to be there has to be