It's been a weird day... been a weird weekend. I have been learning so much about myself, which is nice :) things are actually going good in that dept. I did a short meditation today, a quick dance work out, and a good nice long walk... i feel great right now, though i can feel some muscles in my legs getting restless...ready for bed. Hopefully I'm not to sore tomorrow.
I also got a little irritated this morning at some events, mainly being stood up for a coffee date, however i pretty much knew to expect it...but that doesn't make it any better. I hate how he fucking makes plans and than always "forgets" it's really why i haven't talked to him in months. he drives me fucking crazy. why make plans? why not be content with the lovely phone convo that we had.. done. caught up. take care, talk to ya in a few months...i know he has the best of intentions which makes it hard to be mad. i knew i should've just let it go to voicemail when he called last week. always a sucker for a sweet talker. anyways the point before my tangent that I finally have a hobby that i can successfully use to get my anger out...darts! our cousin bought us a board...so we have it hung up in the basement, and i have been practicing and not to bad... i mean i've been playing since i could hold a dart,, but have never had a board at home, so never consistent. It's a lovely feeling to throw something sharp and pointy in a moment of anger, with no consequences lol doesn't get much better haha
Simon ( fwb) came over on Monday..first time I've seen him since Sept .. I told him that I was dating someone after that stuff happened with Chris.. but I didn't remove him from fb lol so he clearly knew that whatever i thought ( hoped) was happening..didn't happen. anyways he messaged me and we made plans to get together..which was nice, since i haven't been properly laid since January. There was some other satisfying play time but nothing like what we've got going on. I never take for granted being comfortable with someone... I'm comfortable with him..after we done we just layed there watching epic rap battles in history for awhile.. it was nice to have morning sex.. it's one of my least favourite things about being single.. lol no one around to take advantage of my morning arousal
Why was this weekend weird you ask.. well it's just been an odd time of lately, first last month collin wrote that he loved me, on facebook ( a pretty important character in my romantic history...one of the men i've loved.. not to my benefit.) it took me by surprise. damn feelings. I shrugged it off okay...only slightly teared up. fucker. can't believe he still has any control over my emotions. working on that. getting better. Definite that we will never be together. i held out for a really long time. he still owes me an explanation for something that happened years ago, i will never ask for it. hes said that one day he will explain. bullshit.. anyways... so right after this happened, simon starting messaging me again.
I've been having friendly convo's with phillip for the last couple of months also, that's been nice ( at one time he was my best friend, i loved him, than i reallly loved him...circumstances always kept us apart..probably for the best...loved him for a long time. better off as friends...we're great however as friends)
so this weekend i get a message from one of the ones that got away... we dated very briefly like 10 years ago, but he had just broken up with his high school sweetheart and wasn't in the right place..we decided to be friends, and actually did remain friends in the talk on Facebook every now and again kinda way...he lived far away for awhile, was going to come visit when i lived in Edmonton but it didn't end up working out.. he was the one that I've always held on a pedestal. the one that i secretly compare the current men in my life too... this weekend he came down from that pedestal. nothing bad happened. we actual had an amazing conversation. it was just the topic of said convo and life circumstances that took him down. its never a good thing when you have someone on a pedestal...obviously they are just people.. and cannot really be expected to live up to your expectations. damn he's so cute though... we will never be together.
Than today, the other one that got away... ( haha sounds like he was trying to escape) messaged me...and told me he loved me and missed me so much. rip my heart out why don't you. sooo hard to let go. we live like on opposite sides of the country...and ive been trying so hard not to talk to him and be good...i cannot resist him. -- we met when i lived out there, it was lust at first sight for me...saw him playing pool with his buddy they played my friends and i sat there and stared at him haha he's beautiful. kind eyes big and strong, a haha smile that made me melt..and the accent...oh god. the next time i saw him, i was out for karaoke with the girls, he was there with his friend and he invited us over to sit with them, and we talked for awhile...there was an instant connection..it was like nothing i had felt before... i was a waitress then, he kept showing up at the restaurant, he told me later, it was obviously just to see me..... but the timing was all wrong.. by the time he asked me out, i had already decided to move back here. after i moved here we talked all the time, and i actually flew back out there to see him a few months later...but i was to late....i always thought that we still might end up together..that the timing was wrong. but his life circumstances have changed and in oct when i found out, it broke my heart to realize that we will probably never be. as i write this, he's texting me.. i can't resist.
and that i guess is why things have been weird, it's like every man I've loved in last 11 years or in simons case, the guy i've been having sex with for the past two years has contacted me within the last couple weeks. They are showering me with love and praise from a distance...and im sitting here like what the fuck is going on here? lol its fine and dandy to be loved from a distance..but that doesn't help me in my big lonely bed at night. fuckers. they all had their chance. maybe this is just the universe's way of telling me to cut the cord to get ready for the great love of my life. i fucking hope so!
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