Long overdue in Daily life

This is a very long overdue entry and now when I thought my life was getting back on track, everything fell apart.

Was able to finally move back in the house August 1 altho there were some minor things that needed to be inspection wise as well as some things we wanted corrected. Got the final inspection done the first of October.

Jeff moved back in August 9 and we got to work redecorating. He wasn’t ready for joint counseling, but concentrated on redecorating the house and we each did individual counseling. I knew he had struggles but we were working well together. We would do our happy hours and go for walks to different scenic trails. I knew he wasn’t wanting affection, guilt feelings on his part, but I wanted and needed some affection and he said he would keep that in mind and I could give him hugs and he would give me one if I asked for it and would try and remember to do it more since I had said that was what I needed. Respecting him, I would only hug him occasionally to give him time. The past week I had asked him about starting joint counseling as initially we were going to go individually for a week or so to get acclimated to the house and living together again and then do joint. He said he wasn’t ready for it but I told him that we needed to start working together come November because there were times when I felt we were just roommates.

This past Sunday we did a nice walk on a different trail and I told him I was a bit anxious as the next day, October 19 was the anniversary of the fire. All seemed well. Tuesday morning I spent time with a friend, came home, he seemed fine, was reading on the front porch, told me an amusing story about the neighbor. I got ready for counseling and when I came down to go he was sitting inside looking strange. I asked if he was ok, he said yes and I left. Half way thru my counseling sessions, there was a knock on the door and it was him. For a brief second I thought he was there to say we should start but the quickly passed. He said he was struggling with anxiety, depression, couldn’t stop thinking about her and was leaving before something happened. The something was not that he was going to harm himself but that he would start seeing her again behind my back.

The thing I was afraid would happen did, that he would come back for a time and then leave even though I told him from the beginning and numerous times when he would push back his eating that if he wasn’t serious about reconciling just stop. He moved all his stuff back into the house, why? You make a decision and then you stick with it, you do not keep second guessing it.

I held off on making entries because I was afraid this would happen.

Thanks.