Every year I try to pick something to work on for the next year. I usually decide by my birthday and use that as my “day one” point… But, I demolished last year’s goal three months early and now I plan to start my next goal two and a half months EARLY!
I am going to attack my weight loss journey with a different approach.
In the past, I joined a nutritionist office who specializes in diet and exercise. After three plus years, having minimal results, I decided to meet with the doctor and discuss other options. One being weight loss surgery; which I want to keep as a last resort for after I have exhausted all other options.
I have an appointment with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders and trauma/PTSD. I’m going to let go of the emotional weight this “year.” I’m utilizing tools I have tried on my own, but this time I am getting help from an outside source. Yes, I accept what I have been through. It changed me into the woman I am. But I feel like I must be holding onto some kind of negative energy because I have not let the pounds fall off. It’s like there is something holding me back.
I had an epiphany about two weeks ago. The last time I was any where near my goal weight was twenty years ago. The last time I was near a healthy weight, I was 18. The man I was forced to marry, forced me to have sex. During the pregnancy, I went through the worst divorce you can imagine and put on over two hundred pounds.
After the divorce was done, and he stopped harassing me- I lost over 100# on my own. I’ve even kept it off. During that time, I accepted being a single mother of two toddlers, working two full time jobs, destined to be alone.
That’s when I met the love of my life and now husband. He has brought the light into my mundane. He makes me feel like I can do or be anything.
Yet, with everything so wonderful, I still harbor the pain from that past life. A childhood of abuse and neglect. I try to accept myself for who I am, although I look in the mirror and see this victim.
I am not that girl anymore. I am not in pain. I have a beautiful family. I have a husband and children who surround me with love daily. I just need to let go of the pain that once was.
This therapist does talk therapy and nuro something- I hope it is what I need to accomplish this next task.
In the meantime, I’m still going to go to my dietitian and take the steps she suggests.
I’m going to let the doctors who specialize in their fields do everything they can to help me.
I’m putting my faith in the process.
I want to be a healthy weight before I’m 39. My husband turns 40 nine days before my 39th birthday and I want us to celebrate his birthday with something huge. I want to show off the hard work, and I want to feel like I am a prize by his side rather than the way I feel when I see some of the pictures from our wedding.
I love him and I want to be my best for him.
I think this process might get me there.
At the least, it’ll shift my path in the right direction.
I decided to move this entry from it’s original location, into a new book; for my new chapter.
Last updated October 12, 2020