Another kid who wasn't ready for college and is now drowning in debt because of it..... in Reflection and Release

This is where I get hard on myself and unforgiving because of regrets and lack of willpower in my youth....

Its hilarious when I think back to those days where she said “If you dont finish school, what’s your plan? Are you willing to work dead end jobs with your high school diploma for the rest of your life? Because that’s what life looks like when you don’t get your degree. Are you ready for that life?”

Here I am, 10 years later since I went off to college making 33k a year and the bills just keep going up. My friends have their own place and moved from their home state and found a way to stay away. Meanwhile I chose to stay home, flunk out of every school, go 100k into debt and all I can show for it is emotional maturity and perspective.

Sure I’ve been able to refine my skills and become much better at being a functional adult than ever before in life. I’ll give myself some credit there. The biggest issue I have with my self is not having the courage and strength to own my shit and tell my parents “Hey I’m not ready for college and I don’t want to waste any more of your money.” Instead I kept lying to my parents so that they would get off my backs because they’d feel ok at night knowing I’m enrolled in classes. I fucked up every opportunity to have a degree in my life because I didn’t believe I could and never gave it my all. Dealing with constant depression from excessive masturbation and lack of self improvement gave me the worst mindset for achieving goals. I let myself live in a state of fear of improvement, love, hard work, respect and much more. Making this kind of mistake in my early twenties basically cost me a mortgage in Texas, but I don’t have a house or anything to show for it.

Tangent approaching
As for dealing with women, yea I go on dates, yea I have sex, yea I go out all the time (pre COVID), but nothing has ever compared to the feeling I want to have of owning my own place and being fully independent. Most of the time this lack of financial stability creates a divide in my heart that reinforces not being good enough for someone long term. Even though plenty of people have all types of relationships, my mental blocks have stopped me from being able to fully let someone get to know me.
Tangent ending

That last paragraph just poured onto my post from a pure place. ANYWAYS....
This is just one of those days that instead of being motivated to take action and work towards a better future, my state is purely emotional and needs to released. This is why I love this site so much. I can release my emotional turmoils in a flash. Prosebox we need you here forever.