Same Old Shit, Different Program in Never Say Never

I am doing a 40 Days to Personal Transformation yoga program while I am down here at the beach. It's day six for most people, but day seven for me, because -- that's right -- I started the program a day earlier than it was scheduled to start, because -- that's right -- that's my schtick.

It's always interesting to see the same shit show up. The same little voice that says, "I am a nonconforminst. I am going to do this my way. I am going to pick and choose the parts of this program that make sense for me/support what I already think about myself and ignore the rest. All these rules, this bullshit regimen, well, that's for the sad little sheep. And I am not a sad little sheep. I am unique and special and deserve to behave that way."

So, yeah, I started the program early, read ahead in the book, went to that special place in my head that I go when I want to disengage from a group and vanish while the sheep do sheep things during the first group meeting. Yup, that's me in class, wishing the teacher would stop her fucking rambling about the bad habit of eating in the car (really? do people who are not children or teens do this?); wishing that she would realize that an overheated class does not make her a kickass teacher but rather a person who does not realize that when fully half the class has to go outside for some air that perhaps she should turn the heat down a smidge; doing my own poses because already I've grown bored with the same goddamned sequence of poses day in and day out. Is yoga supposed to bring up such negative emotions about a teacher? I don't know, but I always end up hating certain teachers after a while and avoiding their classes. Also I don't like doing the same sequence of poses over and over, which is one reason I like certain types of yoga and not others. I've been easily bored since birth.

And, yes, I know that is a story I tell about myself and that I could drop it anytime and just go with the flow. I've had around 100 hours of awareness training. I get it. This is no different. I am no different in this space. I just don't see it as a problem that needs fixing. I don't see any of the shit that comes up as a problem that needs fixing. And I don't feel crappy because I don't want to be a sheep.

And that, kids, is the victory in it all.