Monday, April 7, 2014
6:40pm
Ive resorted to restricting.
Im down 6lbs from last week IOP tomorrow and im not sure what theyll say.
Katie almost left the other night. “I need to figure out if I can do this anymore” she hasnt seen anything...ive been to weak to do anything really. I havent felt much.
Im not sure what I feel for her..the other night it was like being back at the scene of the crime...i was standing in the garage and she was at her car. Ive been in that spot before with aiden. When she said that I said “I should have seen that coming” and in my head..”another persons just leaving me..im gonna be alone” which I want to be alone but only because its easier to starve and I just dont care to be alive.
Im questioning whether or not I wouldnt have cared if she left like do I really love her enough to want her to fight or do I just not want to be alone?
She came over and hugged me after more words and my ‘oks’ were exchanged...we were hugging and I said “im not ready for you to give up on me yet” “im not saying im giving up”
Ive wanted to go running several times this week now that its warm enough but I dont have enough energy. I called in last week...2 more and im fired. “im just taking care of me right now” “you need to” ive been trying to get fired im just trying to put it off as long as I can...mostly til mid may.
Ive had 9 hour shifts lately which I think are on purpose because my boss was told that shorter shifts are easier for me. I hate her anyways.
Theres an emptiness inside of me that cant be filled. Truth be told I dont even know if aiden would fill it.
I had a few days where I cried 2 days straight over missing him.
I do miss him but hes found happiness without me. I do want to go to his store and tell him im happy for him. It would kill me to see him though. I fear I wouldnt keep it together.
How long will the restricting take over? Id go back to treatment if I wanted recovery. I mean..i do and I dont. I know this is what life is gonna be like forever and I dont want it. I wont get to a point where I will ever love or like my body enough to want recovery. No amount of IOP is going to make me love my body.
Right now too its also about not feeling... Katie told me I was selfish because of not wanting to feel. To me im not being selfish because im not doing it to hurt other people, im just protecting myself.
From what though?
Im so hungry, but is it for food? For something or someone that will never be in my life again? For something else?
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