Why do i keep hoping in Just me

Apparently life hasn't shit on me enough yet for me to give up hope and admit that this is as good as it gets. Like really how stupid can a person be shakes my head at myself

Wanna know who could change their relationship status to "IT'S COMPLICATED" yep that'd be me. And wanna know who finds a really great match only for them to turn around and need me to give them time and trust? Yep me. Cause god knows I can't find a normal guy (they wouldn't be a good match if they were, i'm just too fucked up for normal) who doesn't end up pretty much having a break down and sending themselves to the mental ward. And this is why you don't get with guys with CRAZY (diagnosed crazy people, like crazy like my mother, like borderline personality crazy) ex's because they cause so much shit (after threatening me) that yeah anyway I have no idea where we are.

I just can't do this, I've looked around, I've dated and I found a good guy that is as close to a perfect match as possible. I'm so done if it blows up forever. Dating sucks, it beyond sucks.

My stomach is in absolute uproar. Stress is never good for it, but add to it that I had a stomach bug last week and it always takes my stomach a couple weeks to settle down (to my normal) after that. But yeah i'm just in hell right now. I have to force myself to eat because I know not eating for long periods of time makes it worse as well.

I got permanency at work. Was meant to do something to celebrate it during the holidays with him but yeah. Was still going to do it by getting the tattoo I want but yeah can't get in, as I need two full days about two weeks apart. So yeah I just gave up today. Was told by the tattoo artist I shouldn't do such a big one for my first tattoo, but it's what I want and all I want so i'm not getting another tattoo just for the sake of it. I've sat on this design for a year to be sure it's something I want on my body for life.

My holidays is going to be spent getting tests done, seeing a dentist, seeing my shrink (maybe), and seeing my dr (who I saw today). My elbow is healing ok and just gotta grin and bear it with the pain till it goes away "fractures can be tricky things at times", awesome thanks. My stupid sinus issues were explained when I was told my CT showed I have not only a polyp but also a deviated septum. And I wasn't being paranoid about a lump on my breast so guess who has a ultrasound of that next week. Awesome really. And another CT of my head for a possible explanation of my STILL persistent nausea.

Perhaps I shouldn't leave so long between updates lol.