It's been a difficult day. I don't consider myself selfless nor all that generous, but I'm not completely selfish either. I like to think of myself as a good person, one who doesn't want chaos around her, but would rather prefer calm, peace and happiness. However, I've been having a thirst for freedom that doesn't fit with my fear of people. I've been trying to understand why I've become so bitter, so scared in the past two years. Was it losing Kami to such horrible ciruomstances? Was it all these friends who sought advices, who needed me to lift them up that finally turned their backs on me when they didn't need me anymore? Was it the multiple times someone has tried to grab me and drag me to a dark corner to rape me? Or was it the thirst for freedom I can only seem to achieve when at a show, surrounded by bodies that want me harm - but that I'm expecting it, from them?
I can't seem to relate to strangers anymore. All I can think of is of two groups: the trusted ones and those I can't trust.
I want to put faith in every single one of you but I'm afraid of what you could do to me, I'm afraid of you hugging me, only to push me in a wall when I'm not looking. That close call in December definitely bothered me. It made me wary of society, of human beings.
Yesterday was the first time in four months that I did something that wasn't about myself and it felt like I was cheating that person. I was trying to make myself feel good, to redeem myself in front of my own eyes.
How pathetic is it when you can't even hold up to your own standards?
But I wasn't thinking about that at that moment, I was only thinking about him finally getting running shoes so he could run without destroying his knees, I was happy. I was glad to spend 50$ on a friend. We're both struggling, we're both trying to help each other the best we can.
That person is just trying to put ointment on a fucking broken heart who can't fix itself because it's too busy bleeding out. I'm struggling to even accept his help because shit! I'm not supposed to be feeling this way about the past two years.
I'm supposed to be relieved Kami isn't suffering anymore, I'm supposed to be glad I avoided a shitty marriage with Ida, I'm supposed to be happy I'm getting a pup this summer but I can't.
Good actions or not, I can't bring myself to be relieved I helped someone in need.
I wonder what people find so extraordinary about a woman who's broken and in pain all the time. Sometimes that smile of mine hides too many demons. He told that himself: "You and me, we smile when we're most in pain, we laugh when we want to cry, we comfort others when we're begging for hugs"
Pretty much... all I want is to hide away in a crowd, surrounded by beats, bass and drums, carried away by a vocalist's voice and lose myself. I know how to do that, I know how to let go of the tears.
It doesn't feel like PTSD but something definitely changed when I lost my grandpa, my dog and my marriage, and when I was almost raped in NYC. Going back to who I was before is impossible because I've changed so much, so I can only improve.
A part of myself is scared I won't be able to become as good as I was before, as selfless. A part of myself feels like I'm so afraid of human beings that I can't throw myself in front of a friend anymore and take the hits for them.
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