Tomorrow is here in Just in Case

We start school tomorrow. We won’t have kids until Monday. When I let myself, I just get so full of anxiety with all of this. Normally, this is such a happy time for me. I’m always so excited to start a new year. To get to know my kids. To plan the fun activities. To decorate my room. This year that has changed. There’s so much stress.
Will I carry the virus to my family? (Until we know how things are going to go - I won’t be visiting my parents. That’s so hard to accept.)
1/3 of our kids in 5th grade will be virtual. Will I be able to connect with them even though we won’t be face to face? Will I be the teacher they need me to be?
Our other kids are coming in a hybrid schedule. Some will come Mon/Thurs the others will be Tues/Fri. Figuring out how to plan for it all is so hard. I feel my stress rising just thinking about it.
There’s no hands on. I’m a science teacher. There’s no hands on. How do I engage them without letting them getting involved??
There’s no teams. I’ve built my classroom to revolve around teams.
There’s so much more. Recess. Lunch and breakfast in our rooms. Buses having to make 3 or 4 runs. So kids will be there earlier and later. Less time to teach.
We don’t have the technology we need for the kids who are learning at home. I’m one of the site techs at the school, so I’m one of the ones in charge of choosing what teachers have to give up their technology and handing it out to families.
Somehow, society has turned on teachers. I made what I thought was an innocent comment on a post by Amazon about the discounted prime membership to those on medicaid and ebt cards. I asked if they had considered offering the student discount to teachers as well. You would have thought that I asked if all the puppies in the world could be lined up and beaten. I was told I was a slacker. I was a whiner. I got into teaching for the wrong reasons. I had a part time job and was milking the system. I expected hardworking parents to provide extra supplies for those whose parents chose not to work, and get welfare instead. (The exact comment was about kids without pencils, but with $200 Jordans.) When I explained that I taught at a poor, rural school, and my kids didn’t have $200 shoes, I got told I was racist. (I have no idea why that statement came out.) Anyway, I deleted my comment, so all the hatred went away. (Well, it went away on facebook, but it’s still there in my head.) In my head I know that they don’t know me. They don’t know the sacrifices I make for my kids and my classroom. But, my heart feels that hate still.
The stress and anxiety are amplified by the fact that I’m not sleeping. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get to sleep before 2 or 3 am. It’s usually a restless sleep. I’m shooting for earlier tonight. I have to get up for school tomorrow.
Gosh this entry is full of whining. I hate that.