I’m an insecure weirdo. If I’m not being given attaboys on a fairly consistent basis, I automatically assume something is wrong and something dire is about to happen.
This affects me in multiple ways. In my relationship with DH, which is actually quite lovely, we go through spates where we are very lovey-dovey and then some where we just aren’t as verbally affectionate. Anytime we enter one of the latter states, I automatically assume Something Is Wrong and require reassurance. I know nothing is wrong. Nothing has changed. I just need to be told I’m wonderful or I assume I’m awful.
Same at work. If I’m not being lauded for my accomplishments, I assume people are bitching about me behind my back and I’m about to get fired. This is ridiculous (as evidenced by my work nemesis, who has been there nearly twenty years and can’t be bothered to do even the most basic parts of the job most days), and yet that’s how my brain works.
I even feel it in friendships. It’s mostly inside my head, but I still feel like I’m an obnoxious asshole who constantly needs to be reminded that I’m valued or I assume no one has ever really liked me.
I probably need therapy, but I don’t want to add one more thing to my to-do list. So instead I write in my online journal. Go figure.
I blame 2020 for exacerbating everything, but mostly my anxieties and insecurities.