It’s fifteen past four in the morning. I close the book, regretting already the hours of sleep I lost to clinging to the worlds only existing within the words written on the paper. Whoever said reading a book was a good way to fall asleep clearly was not reading very good books. I look at the flaming glimpse of sunrise peeking through the trees, and crawl under my blanket on the sofa. The weather has been too hot for me to sleep in my room, so I have escaped to the comfortable temperatures of the living room and our trusty A.C. I’m about to start writing this text when
Holy fuck a big spider in mid-air right above my head. Please kindly fuck off.
I climb off the sofa and watch it climb towards the ceiling with indecisiveness and mild fascination. In ordinary circumstances I would take it outside, but the time of a bit past 4 a.m. is not necessarily ordinary. I don’t want to wake anyone with the creaks and cliks of the front door, so I merely stare at it as it makes its way on the thread of web. The seconds crawl onwards, as does the pallid creature, until finally it reaches the paneling of the ceiling. I resume my writing and the next time I spare a glance at its last known location it is long gone, blended into the dim shadows of the room and the similarly-shaded wood.
I don’t necessarily dislike spiders, but I find them notably more palatable when there’s no risk of them crawling on me. No skin contact and everything’s fine. Teeny tiny spiders are fine, though. You know, the ones about the size of a fruit fly, or even less. The less I can make out of its legs and their movement, the better.
And this goes out to all bugs, not just spiders. Bugs are super fascinating but please for the love of God don’t touch me. Especially my face. Stay very far away from my face. If I am wearing a long-sleeved shirt and I find a beetle on my elbow, I will happily spend several minutes just admiring it’s intricate legs and movement. It looks so cool when they take off flying. As long as it’s not to the general direction of my face. Along with the tiny spiders, ladybirds and house flies are skin contact-ok but pretty much all others will get shrieked at if they touch me.
I have somewhat strict code of ethics when it comes to the treatment of bugs. To put it shortly: if you wish no harm to me, you’re fine. I see you outside, I might admire you for a moment but leave you to your own devices. I find you inside, I will make an effort to take you outside. If you only attack when provoked, this still stands, especially concerning useful bugs like bees and such.
If, however, you inherently in some way wish me harm, you’re going down. Mosquitoes, blackflies and horseflies will get no second thoughts and I will go out of my way to smack them down. I’ve gotten pretty good at catching mosquitoes one-handedly over the last few summers. A somewhat useless skill, but it makes me look cool when volunteering on children’s camps.
The ones that won’t harm my person but rather my environment are mostly included in the latter category, but I won’t necessarily make as much of an effort to kill them. Fruit flies I will squish if they get in my face, and if things get out of hand I will make a trap out of vinegar and dish soap. Wasps I daren’t smack straight on because ow, and also they’re way too crunchy so ew, but I might step on them or slap them with anything reminiscent of a flyswatter. The big-ass slugs that screw with gardens I have a weird relationship with. I have only seen them at that one specific youth center, since I have always lived a tad bit too north to have them at my (childhood) home, and whenever I wpuld see one at the camp I would usually pick them from the road and yeet them to the bushes. I know they are nasty pests, but
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I don’t want to kill them because they’re so big and squishy, the writhing would be both disqusting and guilt-inducing
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I don’t want myself or anyone else stepping on them because dead slug goo stuck to the bottom of your shoe is significant amounts of Not Fun.
I also kinda like to see them go, smoothly crawling onwards. Which doesn’t change my stance on them being gross, evil, invasive species that is way too big and way too numerous for its own good. If I want to see smooth satisfying movement I can just go to YouTube and watch an asmr compilation with people cutting kinetic sand or something. Still, if I see a slug I sometimes might just stop for a moment to look at it.
People have often been quite surprised by my polarized opinions on specific insects. Apparently normal people don’t have strictly thought-out moral criteria when it comes to killing bugs. I will just as enthusiastically spend 10 minutes on saving a single bumblebee from a window as I might hunt down a mosquito that passed my ear just as I was about to fall asleep. Most bugs are cool, and I don’t think they should all be grouped into one single category of “gross”. They have an important part to play in the ecosystem, and I commend you. Stay awesome, bugs, preferably at a comfortable distance from me. Stay awesome.
(Not you though, mosquitoes. You suck. I’m coming for you. With my one-handed strikes.)
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