all-day battery life in 20/20

The voice-to-text thing hasn’t really taken off, has it?
I cannot get my shit together.
Plus, I am sooper paranoid using a device in this way. They are literally listening to and logging my words. It’s a complete invasion of privacy and personal information all under guise of convenience. They are tracking me. I feel like prey. I refuse to own a cell phone for this very reason. They already know what they need to know about me. Why willingly hand over even more info? I mean, I know I’m not that important. I’m one of billions of people but still. No thanks, I’m good.

What’s new?
Basically nothing.
I’m trapped inside my apartment AND inside my head.
I’m vibrating with anxiety and… let’s call it what it is… terror. I’m in a constant state of heightened arousal and it’s the not-fun kind. My sleep is all jacked up. My concentration is shot. I feel hopeless. I am fucking CRUSHED by the thought of my kids’ futures. All three of them are in massive debt, with now-useless degrees, staring down the barrel of long-term unemployment. I feel like their lives are shit. How will they ever make their way? The fucking planet is ON FIRE. Their whole generation is fucked. Disaster thinking or fairly accurate take on their situation? Sigh.

Covid has cancelled everything and I’m very disappointed. Not to be too-too much of an insufferably spoiled and privileged bitch but… there is literally nothing to do in this city now. I moved here for the culture and art - for all the free stuff, the architecture, the history, the charm, the way it’s made me feel like I’m finally home. And now, it’s all been yanked away. I find myself wanting to leave. What is the point of staying here when there is nothing left? I feel trapped. I could be sitting anywhere, in any city or town, doing nothing. I feel sad because it feels so pointless. Staying here now feels like a painful reminder of all the things I can’t do anymore - all those incredibly important things that have been absolutely crucial for my wellbeing and the quality of my life. Things will take years to recover. Years. And it won’t be the same because many places and actvities have already vamoosed and won’t be coming back. And even if there is some measure of recovery, it’s going to take for-fucking-ever because they re-opened way too quickly and a lot of people took that as their cue to be selfish fucking assholes. We’ve already seen an uptick in reported cases just in the last two weeks because, apparently, people in their 30s need to have house parties and BBQs and most importantly, they need to sit on terraces and order overpriced apps and drinks so they can be pretentious hipster motherfuckers. Remember those months of lockdown? Well, these fuckheads just doubled it. Maybe even tripled or quadrupled it. I just don’t understand it. Do these people actually believe that it’s all over and life is back to normal? Yes, we (mostly) flattened the initial curve. How does that translate into: “Welp! Thank god that’s over! Let’s go shopping!” The curve is now trending back up so… good job, everybody! Well done! I will never cease to be amazed by the sheer stupidity of people - not to mention how self-serving and self-absorbed they truly are. The WHO says that the first wave hasn’t even peaked yet. And you know what really-really-really bothers me? This has changed me in a way I’m not proud of. These days, when I see people being so horrible, so reckless, so willfully ignorant, so anti-science, so inexplicably disrespectful to our already-stretched-precariously-thin healthcare workers and system - I want bad things to happen to them. I actively wish harm on them. I hope they catch it and die. !!!!!!!! This is NOT who I am! I’m a life-long, card-carrying stinky hippie peacenik. i abhor and denounce violence. I am flattened by the thought of mass human suffering. I believe that people are good. I believe that people can work together and that they want what’s best for each other.
Not anymore.
I’ve never felt this much burning animosity towards other people before. I mean, yes, I’ve alway thought that most people are dumb and I tend shun almost everyone but this? This is a whole other level. I feel terrible about it.

Other than that, I’ve been making art. I’ve also been dissociating a lot. I’m feeling very vulnerable. Our landlord has put this place up for sale. Our current lease expires in May 2021 but there’s also been a recent spate of “reno-victions” so I’m feeling a bit worried. And we’re back to being food insecure every single month. Everything is uncertain - moreso than usual.

This type of entry is why I hardly ever write anymore.
‘Round and ‘round it goes.

Last updated July 23, 2020