High Anxiety in Another Open Diary refugee

Anxiety is running high today... John hasn't been feeling well and I'm very worried about him. Selfishly, some of my worry is 'what ever would I do if he wasn't able to look after me?' I can be soooo petty...

I was doing a little research into exercise, and I found out that the hospital has a fitness center. And they have a therapy pool. No water classes (only swimming lessons) but I really miss my water exercise. There's nothing like getting into the pool to make you feel good. Only bad thing is they're three miles away. I couldn't get there on my own, John would have to agree to take me there at set times to exercise. There's a library at the college next door and he could always go there for an hour to sit and relax (looks like our library card lets us use the college library as well...) I was going to go to Gold's Gym because it's a mile from here, but they don't have a pool, and I'm very intimidated at the idea of going to a 'real' gym where they will expect me to exercise like a 'real' person (or treat me badly because I'm fat and unfit and unhealthy) and assume that I'm there to lose weight at all costs, especially since I'm very limited in what I can do by way of exercise... I haven't even tried to find out how much a membership at Gold's Gym is. The hospital fitness center is about the same price as I was paying at Holy Cross, presumably for the same sort of facilities, plus a pool. You have to get a doctor's referral to use the therapy pool, but I don't expect that would be a problem. Water therapy is highly recommended for arthritis, fibro, and back problems because it takes the strain off your joints while you move around in the water (and for asthma as well for that matter because swimming increases your lung capacity and breath control.) The big question is, can we afford the luxury??? (and can I afford NOT to do it?) It's a purely philosophical question right now - we don't have $50 a month for a gym membership, so I can't do it.

Maybe I'm just being selfish and buying into the 'invalid' role. What would happen if I told my body to suck it up and acted like a real adult for a change? Maybe I just need to push myself harder and quit pandering to my laziness... What would happen if I forced myself to start a 'real' exercise program again??? I feel like I'm a failure, but what would be 'enough'? Whatever I do, I feel like I have to do more, try harder, be better or else I'm just not good enough... and today I really feel not good enough. My poor love is working so hard to provide for me and I'm sitting here being selfish. :( Worried... My share of being a 'good wife' is doing the cooking, the cleaning, the housework and the laundry, and trying not to spend money we don't have... if I have medical expenses John says they come first and cost doesn't matter but that doesn't mean I get to be selfish about it. And right now it feels like I am... I still feel bad that I had to go to the ER last week and go back to the doctors and add yet more prescriptions to the mountain. It had to be done but it's money that I shouldn't have made him spend on me... I should be able to be normal if I just try!!!!!!!!!!!!