You are there for me. Thank you for that. It was May 2011 when I received the box from you with Minnesotan items, your favorite movies and books with explanations as to why. And I knew I wanted to connect with someone like you on a deeper level. A person who would love me for my mind too.
I am frightened. The way your face turns red, you sweat, you breathe heavily just walking. I long to have a normal walk with you. To not feel scared when you do a little physical activity. To not feel sad when I see how it is the same time after time that you try. And we’ve been through a lot. This latest crisis, doesn’t feel so different from the last few years. We got through it and we’re still together. You came when they called the night I went into acute respiratory distress. You held me after I wept when nana died. As we waited to hear if my nephew would survive the night. You listened when I was scared my sister would stop breathing. After my mother told me she had cancer. And I for you, as we waited for your mom to gain consciousness and I spent every night there with her, because I love her and your family too.
Do you remember when the queen bed seemed bigger? When we both sat in the bath together? When you would go swimming with me? How we went up a firetower on our first roadtrip?
As I walk the dog alone, I imagine me with our child alone. As you say you need a schedule made by me for walking the dog, I imagine you retreating to the basement as I care for a baby. And I think one day, you will be gone. Like your father, dead at 44. And you don’t smoke, so maybe you’ll be around much longer. But I imagine your body will wear out well before mine. I need to be more than a vessel to carry on our legacy, I need you here, present. Maybe you don’t have the power to choose me over it. But I wish you would. You’ve given up other things. If you could, I would not be here having just turned 35 wondering if you’ll be able to do what you said. I am not going to put it on a child to change you, even though I know you believe they could. Please fight for me again because I still love you. And if you can, I promise to give you what you want.
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