There’s not much to say. My energy level has gone back through the floor. I don’t feel like doing anything when I get home from work again, whereas I was actually getting stuff done. Between the low energy and the rain, I’ve gotten behind on the yard again. Some of it is up to my hip, and I’m 6’. Whoops.
I’m not going to the coffee place anymore. I’m just filling up my travel mug with the Kuerig at work, then I’m going on with my day. Save the $5.50. Nothing was gonna come of anything with TheBarista anyway. Screw it. I don’t need to fight the whole “does she or doesn’t she” in my head. I got too much other stuff weighing on me.
Between Coronavirus and George Floyd, the Seattle area has completely lost its collective fucking mind. It’s more clear than ever that I HAVE to get the hell out of here. I don’t feel safe anywhere around here. This place is at war with itself, and the city, county, and state government are about the equivalent of the nuts running the looney bin. It’s like monkeys fucking beach balls.
No progress with meeting anyone. I’m at the point I’m considering throwing out my rule book, and just find a “fun friend”. It’s not something I particularly like the idea of, but this point, the physical contact and the distraction would probably be helpful. Or I can’t keep my stupid heart out of it, and end up in the same predicament I was in with M. Damn it.
I had a dream last night that was more confusing than most. No clue what it meant.
I’m having to be happy and hurt for people again. More friends getting married, getting pregnant, blowing up my Facecrook on Father’s day, which just digs the knife into my heart with a bit of a twist since it’s seeming less and less likely that I’ll ever be anyone’s father. I am happy for my friends who are having things go their way, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t kill me a little that it’s not happening for me. M had a kid. Not with me. KT is pregnant. Not with me. R is getting married. Not to me. KT’s sister got married recently. You see where I’m going with this. I’m happy for them, genuinely I am, but whether it’s right or not, I’m jealous as hell. I’m tired of it not being my turn. I don’t wanna kill myself, but for fuck sake, I’m running out of any kind of reason to smile anymore. I’m not even faking smiles as much as I usually do. I’m just over this all.
Maybe it’s stress and anxiety of everything going on mixed with wanting to get the fuck out of Seattle and go home to Texas that’s dragging me down. I honestly don’t have a clue. I’m over it. I’m over all of it. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. In 4 days, I’ve been here a decade. A decade too long. A decade long mistake. Last time I got a real hug was K, and that just went so swimmingly well.
I’m waiting on the police to show up. The twats across the alley from me have thrown two sharps containers full of needles into the grass right outside my fence. Normally they just drop it over on their side, but not this time. Not with this. There was a story a while back, I think it was here in Washington State, where I guy got pissed off over what the city did, and he built a “kill-dozer” based on, I think, a backhoe or a skid steer, and went on a rampage destroying cars and houses alike. These shits behind me make me want to borrow a dozer and just turn that property into flat land. I won’t. I like having a clean record and a decent reputation, but I wish a developer would buy that property and just absolutely flatten it all. I would find that to be cause for celebration.
I’ve run out of shit to say.