I feel like shit. That’s the only way I know how to explain it. I feel so sad and so horrible all the time. I know self-harm is a sensitive topic and many people don’t like talking about it, so I’m very sorry if this upsets you but that’s what I am going to talk about today. FYI I am getting help, I am okay please do not worry.
I am gonna use code for this one so harming will now be drawing.
I started drawing on my thighs about a month ago, nothing huge to begin with, quickly healing, and leaving no visible scar. I think people have a misconception about drawing like you have to be mid panic attack or feeling a very strong emotion at the time. Some times this is true, however, some times you aren’t thinking or feeling anything at all.
I drew all up my thighs nightly for a solid three weeks, I really felt (and I guess I still feel this) like no one cared because no one noticed. I even left soda (the bodily fluid that came after drawing) on a tissue in the bathroom bin, but no one said anything. I guess I want to get caught, but I didn’t, I just wanted to know someone understood how I’m feeling. I finally understood about a week ago that I needed to tell someone about my drawing otherwise no-one could understand.
my parents are divorced and I live with my dad
I don’t sleep very well, neither does my dad so we often stay up late and talk to each other. We got onto the topic of self-harm, so I decided that was when I should tell him, just come right out and say it. He took it well, I think but not actually saying anything about it. The next day we arranged that I would come out and tell my mum. We thought mum would flip out about it, but it actually was the opposite.
Mum was actually not shocked at all, and then started the part that I am feeling really down about. (My mum has a very deep past with drawing and Depression) Mum started comparing me to herself and basically said it’s not that bad because she did worse. All I want is for someone to listen, just to say that I understand and that I feel for you. A lot of kids don’t want their parents to be mad or upset but that’s all I wanted. I wanted some type of reaction, anything really. I just wanted to feel like they cared for once, my dad has done the best job at making me feel loved, like mum hasn’t even called.
I kinda feel stupid for even opening my mouth in the first place, cause it didn’t work the way I wanted it too. Anyways I’m going to the doctors’ tmr with my mum about my drawing and I finally cleaned up the soda and threw it in the garbage truck.
Love you munchkins
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