06-12-20 in My struggle with depression, eating disorders, personality weaknesses and bad temper.

This morning, as soon as I woke up, I hated myself for realizing that I’m still alive.
At a certain moment, both angry and frustrated, I told myself: Man up and don’t be afraid of life! This very little mantra changed my day from a worse to a “normal” day.
It felt really great to know how it feels like to have control over your life, being able to face all the difficulties and fears with a fu@*ing smile; even my desire to self-harm disappeared all of a sudden.
The optimistic me is winning the battle today, “so far”. I’m feeling freeer and cheerful despite everything, the duties, the black clouds outside…
I really hope it’s not the coffee’s effect, otherwise, I’ll experience a “mental freefall” once the caffeine wears out, because a mental breakdown in this context is way too small compared to a freefall.