Boy am I bad at keeping up with these things. As much as I want to write and update things on my life, I simply forget or don’t seem to have the time. As I type there are countless thoughts running through my head as seem to be the norm. I can’t sleep because of the pain and… well as the title suggests, uncertainty running through my mind. While cleaning my house I found the training toilet Sam and I started to train Liz with… Hard to believe it’s been almost two years now… or has it? Time seems so fluid, so pointless and yet so immutable and firm at the same time… But Liz… sigh… her legal name is Libby now. But I can’t bring myself to call her that. That’s not her name to me.... I wonder if she’ll read this one day… I certainly hope not considering how I talked about her mother… er father? Soma. I guess I don’t know the minutiae of transgenderism and parenthood, especially pre-transition. Either way. Readers will know that when I refer to Sam it’s past tense and Soma as present tense. It’s not transphobia, far from it, but simply a way to streamline my thought process. Either way. Liz is definitely probably potty trained on her own by now and I can’t help but wonder if she would be if she was with us. Would Sam and I still be together, or more importantly, would Soma and I? I certainly hope so. I miss him a lot… more than words can convey.
In more recent news, I got two cats. Technically three but… I had to put one down. She wasn’t even ten weeks old. Her back legs hadn’t developed right and I had thought that’s all it was. It wasn’t. I’ll spare you the details, but I assure you it was necessary. It was a hard decision but it was for the best… At least that’s what I tell myself… She was so young… so full of energy… I wish there was some way I could have helped her… I held her until the very end… felt her life leave her body in my arms. What a truly harrowing moment. Certainly brought more than a few tears to my eyes and made it difficult to see for a while… I cried for a while when I got home.
I also quit my job shortly before that. I was a manager at McDonald’s but not only did I discover only managers would be receiving hazard pay for working during the COVID-19 epidemic, but I would not because I had to have surgery and was out for a while. Apparently that was reason enough to warrant denying me the bonus. I’m not nearly as upset about that as I am with the blatant disrespect for their staff.
As for Sam/Soma… I’ve been missing them. Both of them. Who he was and who he is. Funny how they are so distinctly two different people but I love them both all the same. I walked to Casey’s to get some soda in the middle of the night and I remembered how often we did that together. So many things we did together once have come back to haunt me recently. They scream in my mind about how badly I fucked up. I don’t know if you’ve realized it but I am a deeply flawed human being reader. I won’t go into details but know that I wasn’t a good boyfriend. I think I’ve said as much before. But it’s true. Even now, I am left wondering if it actually Soma or Sam I want back or if it is just any sort of companionship I crave. Romantic companionship that is.
I suppose I should also address the other turmoil I have going on. I am writing this during the surge of Black Lives Matter riots and protests and I gotta say, I think this might be the revolution I’ve been looking for. I’m not so naive to think this will lead to the fall of capitalism as we know it like I actually crave, but still. People, protesters are dying, and I still want to go fight on the front lines. To distribute medical supplies, food, etc. I want to fight for my freedoms and the freedoms of my fellow minorities (I’m Latino in case I haven’t made that clear). And there is a chance I could die. Without a family. Without kids. Without someone to love me. That thought....
It terrifies me…
And yet not so much that I do not want to fight anyway. Finally a cause worth dying for. I already want to kill myself. Might as well make a difference in doing so. If the chance arises I will take it. Who knows if I’ll make it back? Part of me hopes not…
Until next time…
Peace Love and Hair Grease,
Lionstar
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