I sometimes wish eating disorders were more pick-and-choose with the traits. I sometimes wish I could not care about my body.. or sometimes I wish I was obsessive again. I lost a lot of myself when my ED controlled my life but fuck, I was at least a better weight. I slid into binge eating disorder and it’s had its claws in me for years now. After my sister had an affair with my boyfriend I just got fucked. I lost control and I tried to shut out the hurt. With food especially. Binges were frequent and massive. My eating disorder completely changed. Going from restrictive and puking to uncontrollably eating. like I would have a blackout feeling while I ate..just being numb to the suffering.
Currently I’m trying to do better. I can’t help but wonder if I could get smaller faster if I let my ED back in. like if I restricted hard as hell again. part of me is afraid of that. I want to do it the right way. Self hate is such a great motivator though.. and unfortunately it’s linked to ED. part of me is wanting to be pure. Like if I restrict and eat super healthy maybe I can have the best of both worlds? Maybe it’s my impatience for self love.
My sister sent me a box of birthday stuff. I couldnt feel happy.. I felt suspicious. She love bombs and tries to lure me back with gifts. She went absolutely overboard. Like as though she went around her house and picked anything that was unopened and shoved it into the package for me. like HERE LOOK HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. She wont properly apologize for what she did. It fucked me up. and she has her own issues on top of that. Growing up with her was hard. Her personality is evil. She purposely sends me clothes that are way too big to me. assuming that I’m fucking massive. I know I’m not thin by any means. I know I’m not. I’m reminded every day, and my brain is fixated on my size. Yet she loves to make me feel like shit.. and she lives in a fantasy world where no one knows she’s being evil? I know her. It made me tear up looking at a shirt that said 3X on it. Secretly proud that I dont fit into it.. but also paranoid that other people see me that way as well. I hate that what she did worked. I knew better… she even exposed herself in a text before I received the package. I’ll likely get rid of the blouse. It’s just a reminder that she doesn’t mean well underneath all that fluff. She always has to cut you after she showers you with excessive gifts. It’s manipulative.
I’m torn.. does obsessively making healthy food still count as an eating disorder if it’s healthy? Have I actually made progress? Is my ED still controlling me by being out of control? Does recovery genuinely exist?
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