I’m laying in bed as I write this, and as I’m already tired, this may completely lose coherence. Fair warning.
Went in yesterday, loaded up, and headed down to Seattle. Felt a really heavy brain fog, so asked TheBarista to make it a large. She did, and comped it. “It’s like you used your stamp card. You come in all the time…” and I think she said something along the lines of “you’re so nice” but I could be wrong. Talk about mixed signals. Look honey, I like ya. Do you like me or not? The “has difficulty with social cues” or however it’s worded part of Asperger’s can suck my ass. I’m so sick of not being able to just tell if someone is into me or not, how most people can. I hate (and I try not to say “hate” about anything) this part my malfunction. She wasn’t there today, which was probably good. My mind was all messed up this morning. I could barely string a f!king sentence together even in my internal monologue.
I still haven’t figured out what to do about BL. I did have a thought tonight tho. That last message I sent her in 2015, a lot of it was apologizing for how badly I messed things up, and thanking her for all the good she showed me. Maybe her friend request wasn’t really a “I wanna be friends”, but more “I forgive you”. I’ll still take it. I’d rather be on any kind of associating terms with her, than carry the constant ringing in my head of “you f!cked up the one girl who showed you true love, and she’s never gonna stop hating you.” Yes, that’s the kind of shit inside my head that I still smile in spite of. No, it doesn’t mean I’m moving on. My idiot mind won’t let me do that yet. It still wants to plague me with scenarios of what could happen if she ends things with her current Beau. Oh, and if hell freezes solid and I develop telepathy. I’ve been having to use my wireless earphones while in the van just as much for drowning out my thoughts as drowning out the droning wheel bearing.
The tire pressure sensor ate it yesterday, so I went by the tire place today to get it replaced. Was also a good excuse to have a wheel off so I could look at the brakes and hub to figure out what’s with all the screeching and squealing when I stop, but not have to actually do the work. (I have intentionally lazy moments) I didn’t pull the caliper, but nothing jumps out at me on that side. Inner and outer pad have plenty of material, hub looks new, rotor looks fairly new and in good shape, so it must all be on the near side front. I’ll check it later, but not too much later. Also discovered my van has all terrain tires. No clue why. It was owned by the city power company before we bought it, and they have big F-SuperDuty trucks the take off the pavement.
Time for sleep. At least I’m calling it while I can still make sense.