I’m gonna try to write here more often.
My head is just… bogged down, I guess… lately.
Even before all of this lockdown/quarantine nonsense.

Follow-Up

Just a quick note on some things from my last entry…
Ev does know that the corona virus exists. She knows that’s why things are different and places are closed. I’ve told her that people are getting sick and we don’t want to get sick or get our friends/family sick.
I have NOT told her that people are DYING from it.
Because she’s 4 and every time I leave the house, she’ll be terrified that I’m going to die, too.
I realize that things changing is why her behavior has changed. And I do not expect her to be perfectly adaptable and for there to be no struggle. My whole point was that people are struggling, and that it’s okay to be struggling.
I realize she’s 4.
I realize she’s not perfect.
And I have never, nor would I ever, ask her to or expect her to be perfect.
But damnit, I’m not perfect either and it’s okay for me to say that out loud.

And a quick thank you to everyone who was kind, supportive, and not jerky in their comments. <3

Today

Ev and I overall had a good day today.
(Side note: “today” is Monday… Hard to be really clear when working 3rd shift)
My niece’s 1st bday was yesterday. So my Mom had her open her gifts this morning. (My sister’s fiance had his entire family over to their house yesterday. They’re not like us and it’s hard to “fake it” with them, plus we were uneasy about exposing ourselves to a whole horde of new people, given the circumstances).
I told Ev before Eileen started opening gifts to be sure to let HER do it. That it’s not Ev’s birthday yet, and it wouldn’t be kind to take over and open her gifts for her.
She did an AMAZING job helping us keep Eileen interested in the opening process while never once ripping any paper at all. I was super proud.

I’ve been fighting a headache/migraine for a few days now and by the time we got home, I felt like I was gonna cry. At this point, it was after 11am and we’d just eaten, so I told her it was naptime (she does nap after lunch, but it’s not usually until 12:30/1pm, but she also can’t tell time yet).
We laid down, I fell asleep, and was woken up before 1pm to Ev screaming and crying.
She had a scratch on her arm and she’d picked the scab, which made it bleed and she couldn’t get it to stop bleeding so she was freaking out.
I got a washcloth, wet it with cold water, cleaned her up (part of her freaking out was because there was “SO MUCH BLOOD”), and taught her how to push a paper towel onto it and raise her arm up and count. We were just counting in multiple sets of 20.
I got the bleeding to stop (relatively quickly, given her condition) and slapped a JoJo Siwa bandaid on it. Not 15 minutes goes by and she comes over all upset again because she pushed on the bandaid and now it’s “leaking”.
So we repeat the cold washcloth/paper towel/pressure & count process and I give her a new bandaid.
I got her a snack, discovered she hadn’t slept at all while I did, and took her upstairs for her nap.
Apparently it opened up again at some point while she was sleeping, cause when we woke up around 5pm, there’s blood on my pillowcases, my sheets, and all over the shirt I’m wearing (she naps in my bed). She got all worked up saying she was sorry and she didn’t mean to make a mess.

We had a long talk about accidents and how sometimes we make a mess when we really, truly don’t mean to. I assured her that I’m not at all mad that there’s blood on my bed and that tomorrow morning she can be a big girl and help me put clean sheets on. I’ll take the dirty ones to the laundromat and everything will be just fine.

That conversation actually lead to one about her behavior lately and her bad decisions (we had a rough weekend – Including her hitting me twice and peeing in her pants).

There’s an article that I’ve read a few times (I Google it on the REALLY rough days) that says that there’s a reason why kids are notoriously worse for their Moms than anyone else. It’s actually a really well-written, thought-provoking concept that says that the reason is because we’re their “safe space”. No matter what they do, no matter what they say, no matter how rotten they are? Your Momma always loves you and always forgives you. Her dad (no surprise here) thinks it’s complete & total horseshit. But to me, it makes a lot of sense. It’s like when you get into a new relationship… Do you jump in and share all your crazy? Hell no!! You hold some of that back from the other person. And it’s not until you’re comfortable, and confident that they won’t walk out on you, that you let everything loose.

We talked for a really long time last night.
There were tears. We both admitted fault, which is something I think is crucial for us parents to do. My Mom NEVER apologized for yelling or spanking or any kind of punishment/anger. She never cried in front of us. She never shared her feelings with us. NEVER. I literally grew up feeling like I couldn’t talk to her because she was some kind of super-human/alien thing that never ever fucked up.
Not this Momma.
I fuck up.
And I always tell Ev when I’ve made a bad choice and I apologize for my part in her being upset.

It was a good day…

Hopefully there’s more in the future…